Friday, December 30, 2011

Living in an area with a small population can have its downsides

I live in a rural area.  Small population.  The town I'm outside of is really small.  Even the closest cities aren't that big.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the solitude and the peacefulness of where I live, but if I could at least live closer to really big places that'd be great.

Around this area and even in the small cities surrounding, it is a lot of country folk.  They don't care much about anime. They don't care so much about scifi.  They don't go around touting the newest technology or geeking out at the latest RPG.  Sure there are the few, but they are so hard to find.

There are no anime, comic book, scifi, horror, cons nearby.  There are no geekery clubs to hang around people with my like mind.  It feels so desolate sometimes trying to find even one person I can feel anything in common with.

I've tried so hard to find people in this area even using the internet for this very reason and I can not even find one person.  There are the few that I know and that's very few.  I want to hang out with more people like me.  I want to find a girlfriend that shares these interests.  It's just so lonely here not having much in common with the people I have grown in the same area with.

I hate to rant on and on about this, but it is a shame that people can not give any interest into the things I love most.  People just stick to what is popular.  They don't go searching for things that are different.  Things that are a little less common.  That's why a place with a bigger population would be nice to be closer to.  The chances of running into someone with the same interests would be bigger.  There would be anime stores or store with anime sections.  Places that hold my interest more than just these tiny little unheard of places that do not have any of the good stuff even if it might be related.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Friends With Benefits? That Makes No Sense.

"Friends with benefits" is a concept that I can't fathom as an aspie or even just as a human being.  (I guess I don't need to just be an aspie not to understand.)  How can someone have sex with someone who is just a friend.  Wouldn't there have to be something there for them to have sex?  I understand it's probably lust or just the burning desire to have it.

Everyone has that, but when you're doing it the other person is seeing you bare, not physically, but emotionally and everything.  They're seeing you almost as a whole.  There is a lot more to sex than just mechanical and biological desires.  You're putting everything out on the line when you're having sex for the first time.  You're showing and giving your all to someone.  

Why do I see it this way?  Why not?  I can barely handle a hug from some people, especially from someone I barely know.  I feel uncomfortable with physical affections like hugs or kisses.  So that's the aspie part of me. Aspies, we have a hard time with connections to people.  That's why this concept of "sex without emotion or little emotion" doesn't seem to make sense to me.  I would have to be terribly comfortable with someone to do that with someone.  That's why sex isn't all "I'm horny, so I've got to do something about it."  I get desires like anyone else, but it doesn't make sense to do this without knowing what you're getting into.  The questions you'd have to ask are "How is this going to affect the relationship I'm in?"  "How will this make me feel?"  "How will this make my partner feel?"  "Will it break things?"  "Will it make things?"  "How do I feel?"

Friday, December 16, 2011

Bought an Empty Game Case

Ok, Amazon, very funny.  They sent me a case with instructions, but no game inside.  Ha ha.  Anyways, this happened Tuesday.  I contacted the seller, but they said that even though they were the seller of the item, it was fulfilled by Amazon, so I need to contact them, but all is well.  They refunded me and I sent it back; no charge on shipping.  I found out that Amazon started selling new copies on sale, so I'm getting it cheaper this time.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Is It Silly To Get So Excited Over This? XD

(Bottom Tweet:  Darialan: #AOTS Can you tweet me some Doritos?)
I got a real kick out of getting on "Attack of the Show's" twitter wall last night.  It's silly, really, I think to be so excited over it.  It was up there for maybe a split second.  I had the DVR recording it as usual, because I normally watch it later, so I catch the words "tweet" and "Doritos" and I thought "Was that my tweet that was just there before it scrolled off the screen?"  So I rewound it back and paused it and to my surprise it was.  Moments after I tweeted the message I got a message back from someone else with a picture of a couple bags of Doritos.  (Seen here)  I didn't realize till I looked at it again later that there was tape on the bags.  I thought it was just someone that saw my tweet at #AOTS on twitter.  Then I clicked on the guy's twitter account and it says that it was one of the executive producers.  I was like "Wow."

This is really the only reason I even use twitter.  That and to follow some people on the show and the show itself.  I sometimes follow "Weird Al."

Is it silly to get excited over this?  I mean there are different people showing up on the twitter wall everyday, so it's not unlikely that I'd show up at some point, right?  I don't know.  I felt kind of special.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Bethesda's Open World Games Not As Bad As I Thought

I had played Obvlivion and Fallout 3 previously.  I got rid of Oblivion awhile back, because I felt there was way too little direction, but now I'm realizing that the fun was finding it, but it's gone now.  Then later knowing that Fallout 3 was a big deal among the most popular open world RPGs.  I happened to love the idea of a full open world where I can go anywhere to explore.

I gave up on Fallout 3, but I couldn't really sell it, so it sat on a shelf for maybe 2 years.  What happened was that I ended up facing enemies that I could neither fight nor could I avoid.  I was so frustrated by the difficulty and confusion of this game and Oblivion that I refused to play any more games by Bethesda.  But earlier this week, I thought about giving Fallout 3 another chance.  Something entered my mind that maybe I wasn't meant to go too close to the areas where I couldn't fight.  I thought, maybe the quest wasn't in that area or that I should try doing something else.  That seemed to be the case.

I went back and restored a save that I backed up.  I was backing up saves from games that were left over on my computer and it's backup drive.  I started to follow more closely to what my missions were and where they were.  No problems this time.  I have run into some rough enemies, but I avoided them after trying again.  Uh oh, I shouldn't have gotten back into the game.  I started playing it for hours at a time.  It's positively addictive.  Now I can't stop.  Fortunately that's not entirely true.  It had postponed my normal lunch time a couple times, but I said to myself, "No!  I know you know what you can do next and how much you want to continue, but you need nourishment.  This could be a bad addiction if I let it."

Anyway, I've turned around on Bethesda's RPGs.  I will be getting better parts for my computer someday and when I do I will probably play Skyrim.  My computer can handle it as it is, but it doesn't have quite the recommended video card is all.  It's not a big thing.  They recommend a ATI HD Radion 4870 and I have a 4850 with 1GB of video ram.  Other than that my computer exceeds the recommended specs.

Anyway, I gave this company's games, in this case Fallout 3, a second chance and now I'm totally getting it.  Hunting for items for money was hard at first, too.  I can't forget to mention that that was a big concern of mine when playing those games as well.  But I'm getting the hang of it and loving it.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Ghosts?

Ghosts?  Do they exist?  Probably.  Is there proof or evidence?  It's hard to say.  I'm sort of agnostic on the subject.  I'm a healthy skeptic that can take in explanations.  There's an explanation for many of the so called "evidence" that's out there.  But on the other hand there's the thought of life after death.  After all I believe in a heaven.  Are there spirits that haven't crossed over to that special place?

Orbs?  What's the deal.  The simple explanation is that it's nothing but dust particles in the air that reflect light when the picture is shot with a flash.  Even without a flash, what little light there is can be reflected back into the lens.  Some see face in them or any other thing.  We can call this pereidolia.  We humans see things in patterns.  So if you were to look at this  :)  sideways you'd see a face, right?  Maybe ghost like faces in photos and mere orbs look more like faces than simple dots and a curved line.  But really, that's what much of it is.  Coincidence.

EMF?  Some speculate that spikes in electrical energy show evidence.  But there's electrical signals all around us like radio waves, cell phone waves, digital tv waves, etc.  Some of these electrical impulses stay for many years.  A radio show was picked up once that hadn't been played over the air in years.  But why bother here. TV shows and internet sites claim that most of these EMF detections are not near any electrical source and in places where signals would not likely show up, especially in such huge spikes.  But that is tv.  We don't know if it's for show.  I mean after all, if they didn't find anything where they went, then they'd have no show, right?

That brings me to EVP.  Electrical Voice Phenomena.  This could easily be voices outside or voices from signals picked up.  Or it could be that you're just listening to intently.  But is it really?  They seem to be in response to people's presence, if this is not for show.  EVP seems to be the strongest evidence if it's not staged and many experts say that it can't be so easily.

Here's what I believe about it.  There is a heaven and hell and then there's our world.  When we die the electrical impulses from the brain do not die, just like radio signals do not die out.  Where do they go when the body dies and decomposes?  Wherever they want or can.  Maybe they're afraid to face god and don't go towards him.  Maybe they have unfinished business that they must inevitably let go of.  But as for whether we can detect them, maybe sometimes we can, but I think most of it is faked or imagined.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hold Your Wiimotes Skyward!

Ok, I just made it to the front of my first dungeon.  I haven't gone through it, but I've fought map battles, learned to fly on the back of a bird, and completed my first task of finding 4 kikwis.  Therefore I think I'm in the position to make at least a small judgement on the game thus far.

The biggest thing of all is the controls.  Gamespot.com did a real disservice to fans by giving it a 75.  It's a terribly inconsistent score with all the other reviews out there being 90s to 10s.  An inconsistent score usually is a bad indicator on the reviewer or reviewers, because obviously they're not doing something right.  In this case it seems they were judging it based on the controls.  First Link's responses to your swings and other such actions with the motion controller are near perfection.  However there is just one flaw.  It's precise to a fault.  This means that when you swing your sword and it doesn't go precisely the direction you planned, that you were a little off.  That's just a little off, not a lot.  The margin of error is there.  However, this being the first little bit that I played, I think I need more practice.  My biggest problem with the controls was flying.  Flying is not explained well and could have used a pictorial or video segment on how to gain altitude.  I had a rough time getting my bird to flap its wings.  Shaking the remote doesn't do it.  Neither does flapping your arms with the nunchuck or wiimote.  >.o  It's not something I can explain, but when I did get it right, I finally finished the race in the beginning.

For the most part the controls are very intuitive, take practice, but altogether work well.  This is the first time Nintendo has truly shown off what the wiimote should be about.  It takes full use of it and does it right and with style.

The graphics look like something ripped from a Disney cartoon.  Literally, when I look at much of the graphics, the faces and etc, I think Disney.  The detail is very nice, but not even a close look and you can notice that they were really trying to do the best they could with the limited hardware.  Jut think what it could have looked like if the Wii had better hardware.  All in all though, the art is very admirable and the best the system has shown so far.

The story takes a different direction, but as this is a Zelda game, there really isn't much to say about it.  It's all about the puzzles and how fun it is.  Nothing more.  Other features are your typical Zelda fare things, such as a bow and arrow, sling shot, and many more, along with a few new ones that I have yet to see in the game for myself.

This is a great Zelda title and gets my high adoration.  Good job, Nintendo!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Do away with video copy protection!

Video formats change every few years.  We had VHS years ago and now we have machines that can convert your VHS tapes to DVD format.  Awesome.  Now we have Blu-ray disks.  The market is ever changing, though.  These will soon be replaced with a digital downloadable format from the internet.  The disks, especially blu-ray, and the downloadable videos from iTunes and wherever else are protected from being copied.  So what happens when we go all digital and store all our movies on hard drives or even in the cloud?  How can we copy our disks to the next format?  I mean, the players that play disks won't last forever.

And now what about these downloadable videos from iTunes and various other places, like Amazon Video.  They're all copy protected.  They'd be fantastic if you could play them on any player you wish directly to your TV, but depending on what place you buy these from you have to have a different box to play them on.  So, what if we have to have a computer hooked to our TV?  Why do that if all we want is just to watch videos we bought online?  The one answer is to stream it to your favorite media box.  Even I can't get that to work most of the time, how do they expect your average Joe to do this?

If we could only get rid of the protection, so we could put it into a format we can actually play on our TV boxes, we'd be all set.  Copy protection makes things way too complicated.  The music industry learned this a long time ago.  Now we have music we can play and copy to ANY player we want.  No complications.  I completely understand the industry's frustration of copyright violations and I understand they want that kind of control over their media, but copy protection makes things complicated for those that want to be able to play what they bought.  Sooner or later they need to come to trust people with your media and content.  People already have found ways to copy things they shouldn't.  The point of copy protection is lost when people find ways around it.

In conclusion, we need to end this digital copy protection that is on all media, now.  It complicates things and the point of it is defeated already, therefore lose the protection and sell the media unprotected just like music. It's time we move on.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

How Do I Control Rage Attacks?

I've been having rage attacks for as long as I can remember. In high school it was bullies. They push my buttons and even the mere thought of them still gets me on edge. It was my way of surviving the experience. To just scream at them and tell them how wrong they were was my only option at the time. No teacher could ever get through to me.

Back then there was little knowledge of Aspergers Syndrome and I didn't have a diagnosis of any kind back then.

Years later after forgiving the whole entirety of the school for it, things still get to me. Right now it's video games that are the big problem for me. My family is starting to get fed up with all the yelling and cursing.

I've figured out this much of it. I get mad when i get stuck in the same situations too many times for me to handle. Case in point, Super Mario Galaxy. I ran through the course repeatedly with only some success. I kept repeating it because my determination kept me going. Determination can be good, but there's a point at which it becomes stubbornness. At this point I have hard time controlling my feelings towards it. So if I can limit the number of times I go over something, that'd be the key.

The next day after having finally given up the day before, it took me approximately three tries to get that star in Mario Galaxy. That showed that I got practice in and that my more calm and cool attitude towards the level paid off. The more tense I am, the less likely I am to succeed.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Overthinking

As aspies we tend to over think a lot of things, don't we?  Does this person like me?  Do they not like me?  Did I say something wrong?  I'm confused by the signals this person is sending.  Or is this person not sending me any signals at all?  Was she/he being sarcastic just now?  What does that mean?  What does this mean?

It's tiring.  I've had to sort through a lot of these, it occurred to me.  It's a classic thought process of all the over thinking that aspies typically do.  And again I confront myself with the "yes, I do do these aspie things."  We ask these questions to ourselves.  We weigh things out.  We analyze the context of everything.  And we end up still with so much doubt.

Some of us have learned to ask outright what is meant.  Some of us, like me, have decided that silence is the best policy, because you're supposed to know by NT standards and it would just seem too embarrassing to ask.  "Mind blindness" was something brought up in the movie "Adam."  I think what all that was was that Adam, from the movie, has to ask out right what a person is thinking or feeling, because the person didn't want to keep wondering.  An NT can tell certain things from looks on their faces, audio clues given in inflection in another person's voice, situation, and other body language.  It's just not so simple.  I mean, I may see things and I may hear things, but my mind often questions whether I'm wrong or right.  I've done this all my life as far back as I can remember.  I don't ask, because I've been wrong so many times, so long ago, that the embarrassment just hasn't been worth going through to find out.

I guess just knowing my diagnosis that in the very least, without necessarily out right saying "I'm mildly austistic," I can just say that I'm just a confused person that needs stuff pointed out to me more bluntly.  At least with me knowing this about myself, I can ask in just the right way without being too embarrassed.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Who has the problem?

To people who are bullied in or out of school there are some observations to be made.  One observation is that you are not the only one being bullied by this person.  You may have noticed this a long time ago and may have made social connections between you and those peers that have also been bullied.  Is it because you are all freaks and outcasts?  This is probably what you are thinking consciously or subconsciously.  That's the thing that brings you together with the others that are bullied.  If you take a closer look at them you'll see the differences between you and those others.  Or you may not.  It's not a bad thing that this has brought you together.  I am merely pointing out that you are not a freak and they are not freaks and that is because you all are different from each other in various ways.

Now what if you see this same bully doing wrong to one person and then the next day or later that day, they're on someone else's butt.  What do you think about this bully?  You'd think they had a problem and that's exactly what it is.  People who are not bullied are actually seeing the bully as a messed up person.

You may also note that this bully does only one person at a time normally.  He/She does not point to one person, one second and then walk down the hall and only a few seconds later point at another and bully them.  They don't go from one to the other, randomly so quickly.  This is one of their tactics.  If they can bully one person, then that's enough for them for a little while.  Not only that, but if they went so rapidly from one person to the next, they know how obvious they look as far as having a problem.

They do bully groups, but not each individual so quickly.  If they see a group of goths or emos, they may pick on them, because they're so easy to group together.  They know everyone else will see those people as a sort of organized group of people.  They know those people have things in common.  But never will you see them pick on one individual and then the next so quickly.  It's one group or one individual at a time.

Bullies don't want to make themselves obvious.  However they are obvious to some not bullied.  If you're bullied right now, then it's time to open your eyes to their tactics and their obvious flaws.  It is not you, it's them.  If you saw them bully you, then a second later bully a person that you have no idea who is and they do this rapidly, then you'd see the person has a problem.  They make it look not obvious.  They play tricks on your mind to make it look like you are the problem or those you hang out with are the problem.

In the end I think you should carefully observe them and process every move they make in a completely different way than you do now.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Is your sense of humor a little out of the norm?



Years ago there wasn't much in the way of humor that really made me laugh.  Maybe some low brow humor, but not much and then came along Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It was a show where they watch new and old cheesy movies and make off beat comments whether it was about the stars or about the weirdness of the scenes.  This was not a show that had high ratings.  It was a niche show that only appealed to certain kinds of people.  Most people didn't find the humor in it.  They totally missed it.  It went over their heads.  Admittedly some of the humor went over my head, too, at times, but then they'd do some oddball short comments or noises or whatever that fit into the scene in such a way that cracked me up and if anyone were to see me laugh at it, they wouldn't get it.

And don't get me started on nerd humor that's more prevalent today, such as some of the things on Attack of the Show.  Some of it is also low brow and then there's some tech humor that goes over non-nerds' heads.  Science and tech and all that kind of humor.  It gets the ratings more, now.  More people admit to being nerds or geeks at heart and so now these shows get their rightful place on tv.

Now there's Sunday night Cartoon Network Adult Swim with Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which is just a really weird bizarre kind of humor that man y people would just assume forget about.  People would be "What is this weird sh**?"  "Turn it off."  They don't get it.  And that is the kind of humor that gets me.  It's weird it's obscure.  Some of it's low brow.  Some of it even goes over other viewers heads.  And What about Robot Chicken?  That's a lot of nerd humor all packed into one show.  So many Star Wars skits.  So many about GI Joe, which us kids of the 80s loved.  He-Man.  Transformers.  This is some major geekery that all us geeks loved from when we were kids and just to see the humor in the show, a lot of people would just assume forget it, but man oh man.  It's great stuff.  I'm a geek.  I love oddball humor.  I admit it.  And I'm proud!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Aspergers in Entertainment

So, how do you see entertainment and movies showing characters that are pointed out as having Aspergers Syndrome?  So far I've only really seen "Alphas" on the Syfy Channel, the movie "Adam," and I even looked at an episode of "Arthur" where a character had high functioning autism.  If there are any others, not counting
"South Park," what haven't I seen?

On "Alphas," a character named Gary is a high functioning autistic.  He shows very autistic traits.  He's like a few levels above "Rain Man" (another movie with an autistic).  Though he is high functioning he is not nearly as functioning as many of the aspies I know and even a number of Aspies say the same thing.  I think this show could make people very aware of what aspergers is and what high function autism is like, but many of these shows only show people that are lower functioning than most of us.

"Adam" is a romantic comedy involving an aspie that shows what aspergers is all about.  Again it shows and educates the audience.  However there is that problem of stereotyping us to be all like Adam or all like Gary.

Autism, as many of those reading know, is a spectrum disorder.  There are many more aspies that are, again, more functioning and less the media stereotype that is shown.  I like the fact that these shows and movies are out there, but we also need some where there are characters that are autistic and don't show it right away or so outwardly.  I do see shows with characters that have some of these traits and there are even shows where people have speculated that some of them were autistic, but this is never a major point and never brought up.

So in conclusion it's great that more people know about it, but the one key thing they must know is that most aspies typically are seen as regular people till they get to know them further and some of the signs just somewhat show.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Aspies and Empathy

Do we have empathy or sympathy?  We don't often display it.  I know I'm terrible at it and sometimes I dislike myself for it.  But I shouldn't should I.

Aspies are blind to body language and many other things socially.  Even an NT would have difficulty showing it if it was someone they didn't know or wasn't close to in one way or another.  They might feel something, though.

We don't display it, because we don't connect to the people or situations as much.  It's hard to connect with someone we can't read.  It takes us longer to read other people and get to know them.  We do show it when the most extreme happens.  The most beautiful words can reach some of us.  And we do cry at these situations.  The closer we are to someone, the more we're likely to show it.

NTs quite often are like this when they watch a movie or tv show.  They don't know the characters like they know their friends, relatives, etc.  Some may shed some tears when the scene is touching enough, but it likely takes a lot of stimulating things in the scenes.  But without these stimulating experiences, the power of what you should feel something from is lost.  So without being able to take in enough stimulating experiences, an aspie can't show his empathy.

Feeling the Need to Build

I keep wanting to build a computer.  I've got this perfectly fine computer, but I just want to have the anticipation of receiving the parts, the feel of the parts in my hands, the research that goes into it. And the feeling I get from making one work and bench marking it and seeing how well it can run games.

There's just something about putting one together and knowing what's in it.  Making one better than the next.  I'd get a real kick out of building and selling these beasts, too.  But I simply am broke and don't know the business end of things like tax paying and such or how it would affect my disability.

I was looking into video cards minutes ago and it's kind of silly to replace the one I have now, since it hasn't been in there long, but that was only to replace a broken one that was overheating.  It's like I really want to push the games I have to their limits and see just how good I can make them look.  I have a ATI Radeon HD 4850 with 1 GB of video ram in it, now and I was looking at an HD 6850 2 GB.

I was at one time looking at a touch screen monitor in anticipation of Windows 8 and I know that's a long ways off.  I guess I'm sort of an addict to computer technology.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Sad But True...Emotional Disconnections

I quite often feel disconnected from people emotionally.  Whether part of it is fear or something I can only describe as a uncomfortable ickyness.  This is causing me some problems or at least it will with finding someone for me.  I do want closeness with someone, but I fluctuate from an idea of being close to the people I do know feeling uncomfortable and weird to...well just okay.  I've never been the hugging type.  I have a friend from HS that likes to hug and there's even someone from work that does that on the rare chance I happen to stop by the store she works at for something and she's there.  I usually don't reciprocate or I don't feel any connection at all, if I even try to do the same.  It doesn't always feel uncomfortable, but when it doesn't I tend to not feel anything or I feel a little bit.

It's been suggested to me at one time or another that I even can start out as friends with someone and it can turn into more, but if I go into something, not expecting much more, then it just feels icky to have that idea.  Like the idea of dating a sibling.  That kind of bleh.  They're saying I could try, but when you feel like that, you just can't.

I can't even go see my friends or rather ask them if they'd like to hang out.  Surely I'd say yes now and then if asked, but I don't really like to make the first contact with that question.  I guess that's kind of off the topic.  I don't know.

All I know is that emotions can bug the heck out of me and the only time I don't mind them is if I'm watching anime with dramatic moments and feel the need to let some tears go.  That I like.  It's kind of like emotionally being drawn to something that can't judge you even the slightest.  (Is that why I disconnect?  judgement?)  It's also kind of like letting out things that I feel uncomfortable doing with people.  Surely I feel empathetic towards people, but the showing that I care enough is kind of draining and uncomfortable part of the time.  So what can I do.  It just feels "ew" for some reason.  Other times I disconnect enough that I don't mind showing a little something.  I'd sooner show it with a hug than with words.  I'd sooner type it out than say it verbally.  I'd sooner show concern by being there.  By listening.  By helping.  By actions.  But I don't know that I can say them.  The hug is the line between I can't/I can.  It's a sometimes thing when confronted with it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Cartman-Burgers (South Park Spoilers)

If you haven't seen the newest episode of South Park, I suggest you either watch it and read later.  With that said I'm going to talk about the new episode entitled "Ass Burgers."

So the show starts off with the myth surfacing that you can get Asperger's from vaccines at a young age.  Nothing new here.  Just an old study that's kept on resurfacing ever since ever so long ago.  Let's move on.  We've got Cartman not wanting to get a shot, so I guess he just wanted to get out of it by saying he has "Ass burgers" as he put it after frying up some hamburgers, wrapping them, and sticking them in his pants.  Yep, the old "Ass burgers" joke.  You can see that coming.  To many of us with Aspergers, that's an old joke.  Some of us take it in stride and think it's funny ourselves and then there are other aspies that are down right offended by it.  Really, I don't care.  Even I thought it was funny when I first heard it, but South Park picks up and runs with it the rest of the episode and they make it funny again.

The other part of the episode picks up where last season left off where Stan is depressed and thinks everything is sh** after his parents divorce.  His mopey attitude lands him with the school counselor where after talking with Stan, Mr. Macky calls the school nurse and asks if they gave him a flu shot last year.  Again, the "vaccines may cause autism" myth is brought up.  But let's look at this again.  Depression or melancholy is common with some aspies.  Seeing things in a bad light may be another.  Stan has lost touch with his friends.  He has no social life anymore.  Problems among friends is common.  Eventually Randy makes a big deal over how the school made Stan "mentally incapacitated."  Which I guess means Randy thinks it made him stupid or "retarded" as a word used by some people, which we know is far from the truth.  Randy always overreacts to things he knows nothing about, so that's classic Randy, right there.  Just like classic Cartman who carries on the "Ass-Burgers" joke throughout the episode.

So Stan is taken to a special place where there are people with Aspergers.  One is blowing bubbles out his butt.  Another is peeing on the wall.  This reflects on how ignorant people are about the disorder.  And of course when Stan enters the room, they stop acting and get back to their regular selves.  So we can see Matt and Trey don't think we're stupid or anything.  It's just them saying "Ok folks, get real.  Aspies aren't stupid or mentally retarded or anything like that."  However when the group changes their act they go on and say that asperger's doesn't exist.  They tell Stan that he probably sees the world as shi**y and that they see things for the way they really are.  Does that sound familiar to you?  Aspies are commonly very opinionated about the things around them.  I know I am at times.  lol.  Then they go on to say that aliens made things this way and that to other people it doesn't look shi**y.  Ah, another parallel to aspergers.  A lot of people try to describe aspergers as if the person with AS feels like an alien on another planet.  It's like you don't really understand people very well in a general sense.  So NTs look like aliens to us and we feel like aliens compared to them.  We have this separation in our social IQ, hence the whole alien thing that the characters talk about.  The group tries to get Stan to blend in to find the alien base.  That's what many older, more experienced aspies try to help newly diagnosed people to do.  They try to blend in.  They try to meet NTs half way.  Blending in isn't bad when you're trying to be socialable as long as you stay true to yourself.  Just ignore the alcohol use in the episode.  It's just there to make it look more like they're using some disguise to blend in.

To be honest this episode didn't really outright try to teach anyone about AS.  The part where one aspie says that aspergers isn't real wasn't Matt and Trey trying to say that.  Obviously, because this was said by a character that was meant to be taken seriously.  Matt and Trey had no stance.  They had no intent on really outwardly telling everyone what AS is like.  It wasn't like the episode where Cartman tried to fake tourette syndrome.  That one was in your face about what that syndrome was.  This was a little less in your face about what AS was.  This actually seemed a little more intelligent in a way and in a way not.  They very much wove into the episode a very very small general summary of what AS is and how uneducated people like Randy saw it.  Actually it more or less made everyone that doesn't have it look like they didn't get it.

RIP Steve Jobs

As everyone knows by now, Steve Jobs died yesterday at the age of 56, due to pancreatic cancer.  I have my iPhone and although the iPad seems to look and work to me like nothing more than a big iPod/iPhone, it greatly shaped the tablet industry.  I personally think android is better suited for tablets and there is a lot more the iPad could do.  But thanks to Steve Jobs being a leader in the industry computers, phones, portable computing, portable music, music sales(iTunes).  And as an aspie that admires the tech industry, I thus admire the leaders in that industry, whether it be Apple, Google, or Microsoft.

In the days of Napster and mp3s being shared illegally on a large scale the music industry started to sink.  They were not open to the idea of online music sales.  MP3 players played CDs converted to the MP3 format to carry any songs you wanted on the go, while CDs only carried a limited amount of songs.  Steve Jobs saw opportunity in this.  He offered record labels the chance to make up their lost sales by selling music online in digital downloadable form.  In conjunction with this online distribution service known as iTunes, Steve created the iPod, a portable device like the MP3 players on the market, but better.  Many people have collections of CDs lining their walls and all that could be stored on these devices that used miniature hard drives.  Of course I had nearly 2,000 songs from CDs and (cough)file sharing(cough cough).  The price was decent for the music, but the copy protection was complicated.  Fortunately the copy protection no longer exists.  Music is my life.  I love listening to any song I want, anywhere I want.  There just was no better way to have and play my music.  I love you, Steve Jobs, for introducing record companies to digital age of distribution.

The tech world will greatly miss him and those who he inspired along the way will surely miss him, too.  May you rest in peace, Steve Jobs.  The world thanks you.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Aspie Love

I feel like giving up sometimes.  I'm stuck in life and one of the things that's frustrating me right now is being alone and not having a partner in life.  I still live with my parents.  I don't have the job and income to live alone.  I do get SSD and SSI, but I can't even begin to think how I'd live off that.  But again this is the least of my worries at the moment, since my mind is totally set on finding "the one" right now.

Aspies and aspies, I heard, don't work well together in a relationship.  I can pretty much imagine why that might be.  One wants or needs something in their relationship at certain moments and then the other doesn't and isn't willing to compromise, because of their aspie mind set.

I don't exactly live in a well populated place.  Even going further out like 25 miles or 30 miles out won't take me anywhere where there's activity, especially activities that interest me.  I'm an anime, computer, movie, and video game nerd.  There are no local gaming clubs.  No local anime clubs.  No computer clubs.  etc.  So what if I did have the money to move out?  I'd still prefer being in a place that's secluded like this place, because I like the peace and quiet of going out on the porch and not hear car after car after car go by.  I lived most of my life in town till months ago and now I'm more comfortable where it's quieter.  And then there's the idea of moving where I don't know people.  Scary thoughts really.  So what's a guy to do to meet people around here that are into the kinds of things I am or to even meet people for some basic events.  Again, nothing of significance happens here.  There's no activity to go to a couple times a month.

I go to a group for mental health needs and some social needs.  No one new really.  Two aspies there.  One of them female as a matter of fact, but if I asked her out I'd feel like I asked out a sibling.  She's a good friend, but I just think it'd feel kind of icky to try any kind of relationship with her.

That sort of leads to another point.  I really don't know how things can fall into place once I do meet a female with the same interests.  How would I feel?  Would it just sound icky to me yet again?  Why do I feel this way with some people anyway when a "what if" scenario goes through my head?

So I fantasize sometimes of a relationship with someone I started talking to.  The first thing that comes to mind when I think of these scenarios is that the person has a different sort of personality than my own that I feel drawn to.  Someone a little more perky and peppy, but not too crazy.  Ok, ok, so maybe the person is quite a bit more willing to put themselves out there and quite the opposite than me, but still holds the same beliefs and some of my interests.  It's not far off to think that this could happen, if said person even exists where I am and assuming the circumstances of meeting the person weren't far out of reach.

Then there's also the internet.  Ah, the vast world of women that may be willing to date me.  I know I have to answer a few profiles and I have, but it's still discouraging when I get no answer back.  I have my profile there and no one bites.  I bite, but no bites back.  I've had one person, so far, answer, but I found out just by her being forward enough to tell me things in her life and I just thought she was a vindictive (trying to get back at her ex constantly), jealous (thinks that it's a good idea to screen a bf's e-mail, etc "found out through a okcupid quiz that we discussed), psycho (she flat out said she had anger problems and again that quiz said she'd kill someone if she thought she'd get away with it.  "In this case, her father for not being there all her life. O.o ").  I'd actually appreciate some help with presenting myself online better.  Even if someone would like to see these profiles.  Maybe something in my profile turns them off.

Another thing is that I'd like to have a specialist type therapist that's been known to help aspies quite a bit.  But I think there may be one in a close city, but unfortunately that's another state and I'm sure medicaid won't pay for it.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind.  Please comment, if you think you can help.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

People are really hit or miss, but computers are predictable for the most part

Yeah, people are really hit or miss.  You've got rude people that no matter what you say or do when you're around them, they're going to act in an unexpected manner like be rude to you or whatever.  You have no control on what they do or say.  You have no predictability on how they may react.  There are a lot of good people out there and there are some rude people out there.  That's part of why I isolate.  Even online the same old thing.  Especially YouTube or other boards where you're really not bonded with everyone.  I use these sites to communicate and get my socialization going and to learn how to handle trolls and jerks mentally.  And I'm actually getting better at it.

The other end of things computers, electronics, video games, and etc are mostly predictable and controllable.  If you've run into a problem on the computer, it can be fixed.  If you're computer's so bad off, you can buy or build a new one.  You have total control and mostly predictability.  Computers don't judge you.  People do.

Socialization is a difficult game to play and maneuver.  You have people with erratic behaviors that are nice one moment and no good Nazis the next.  You have people that try to pry into your business.  You have insulters or real life trolls, i guess you could call them.  You have good honest people and even then sometimes you make a mistake, but you can patch that up as best you can.  friendships are mostly fixable.  Gotta love the social game.  It's much more difficult, but well worth playing.  Probably the most difficult game to play in my opinion.  Online or offline.  More success online, because you don't see people's faces.  It's mostly just text on a screen.

So again, it's best to balance the two, but maybe for an aspie like me, just take the social game on a small manageable basis.  All in all make sure not to overload yourself socially.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Life Gets Better After Bullying

Being bullied is hell, but life gets better - CNN.com:

I came across this article just now. And I thought the same thing. What if I could write a letter to myself, one to be sent during high school or the middle of it. And then I'd send one in my hardest time when I was harassed online in early 2000. I'd even mention when someone tried to impersonate me on fb.

What would I say? I only would say is things just get better and better as life goes on. Stuff happens, but then it's short and it goes away.

High school was hell for me. Being bullied is hell. This goes for any bulled person, whether you're a "geek," gay, bisexual, lesbian, an aspie, or an outcast for any reason at all. Bullying knows no personal background or profile. It can happen to anyone. And that is the most important message to send to bullied children in their school days. This is by far the worst that will ever happen to you and when you're out there in the real world, it just gets better. No matter who you are. It gets better with age. So maybe you're 23 and still living with your parents and maybe you're staying there for reasons beyond your control and what if again still at 23 those parents are abusing you? First of all tell someone. I don't give a crap if you think you have no choice, because of economic hardship or what not. There's a way out of this. The authorities take control of the situation. It's a process. Get a credit card, order surveillance in your room. Do something. They can't do any more than they haven't already done.

The point is first take control of your situation. Tell someone. Take any record of the situation. And then remind yourself constantly that it can only get better. It can only get better. And that's the truth. Millions of people are out there that have gone through a lot of crap and they'll tell you the same. Suicide is not the way out. Self harming isn't. Just stop it. Face it. And know you're not alone. And know that it will pass. Bad things pass faster and faster.

And finally the article mentions this song.
make sure you have Spotify to listen.

(Disclaimer: Spotify is a legal service that offers music to listen to for free and it is ad supported. There is no copyright infringement.)

Friday, September 23, 2011

Learning From YouTube

So if you've been reading this blog, you know I have a YouTube account and that I use it at least once a month. I get good comments and then I get comments from trolls just trying to start a fight.

The first thing I started doing was writing back to them, but that's just dumb.  All you end up doing is working them up to get back at you and if you end up making them feel worse and you knew it, you'd hate yourself and I wrote on that before.  Gut reaction tells me to let them know to knock it off, but really that's what they want and it's pointless to talk to them.

The next thing I started doing was to just erase the message that bothered me and not say a word and maybe rant about it on Facebook or here.  It was still bothering me and it still comes back to me later.  It's normal for me to hang on to things, but I'm learning coping skills not to.

The last thing I tried to do, since most big time people get trolled at, too, is to leave it there and let it take care of itself.  If I get good comments later on, ok.  I could also have people smack em up a bit with comments.  Who knows.

Trolls are trolls.  They're hated for a reason.  So I'm just not letting it bother me anymore.  I'm learning how to handle jerks by posting those videos on other topics and just letting things happen.  I don't care so much anymore.  Still bothers me now and then, but hey, that's getting up to a normal level for me, so I'm getting so I feel just as good as anyone else that gets trolled and doesn't give a crap.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Why Blame Games?

Why are researchers looking for reasons behind violence? It's a simple answer. I mean people act out primarily because we are angry. We're taught by our parents how to settle differences. That is what we need to focus on. We need the researchers to look into child rearing. What were they taught by their parents. How were the shown? How the parents set examples. What was their home life like?

Of course anger is the main reason. Greed is another, but what about people who do it for shock value? They like the violence in movies and games and want to take it a step further. The people that do it for this reason are few in number. So few, I figure, that it doesn't make any difference whether it was a game or movie. Real life and news can inspire these same things and why wouldn't they?

But here's a bigger question. Why do we search for those kind of answers? Why do we look at people that love the shock and try to explain their behavior as inspiration from a form of entertainment? What purpose does that serve us?

So now that we see games as a threat because of their inspiration on the few, they want to ban these games, limit their sale, and/or blame them. What happened to blaming the person that committed the crime? Shouldn't they take responsibility? Yes and we force them to.

But as a society we have been playing the blame game. We don't want to take responsibility for our own actions. We want to blame games and movies. We want to blame the makers. We want to blame anyone that has any tiny connection to the crime.

"Oh, a video game made me do it." "Duly noted in your defense." We're playing a game of who we can blame for our own actions and not taking full responsibility. They did the crime. They do the time. Plain an simple justice.

No form of entertainment. No person can make you do anything. You do it. You did it. Done. No more blame and no more excuses.

Friday, September 16, 2011

My First Look and Boot Times of Windows 8

I didn't really time these boot ups on my Desktop and Laptop, so i twas kind of hard to tell which was faster.  The Desktop video is longer, but I had to figure in the time it took to put in my password on the desktop and all that.
Laptop:
Desktop:

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Be Comfortable Where You Are, But Want More...

I know I've had some negative posts recently, especially my last one which was an angry thing I wrote up.  I got my frustrations out and I think I pretty much said it all in that post about trolls, but I'm going to post another thing that sort of relates to trolls or addresses them to some extent, but this one will be positive.

You'll find a lot of common themes like "You'll never get laid" or maybe they elude to the fact that you don't have anything happening in your life in some form or another.  Well, first off, I can be single and have urges like anyone else.  But I don't let it get me down most of the time.  In fact it's a lot better that way.  when dealing with people, there can be a lot of drama.  And for someone with AS that's great.  People with aspergers syndrome don't all want to go out to the bar every week and get laid by every girl in the bar.  Many of them don't really care to have too much human interaction.  It's not that human interaction isn't important.  It certainly is, but we get our interaction in different ways.  The internet only does so well there, but we do get out and do things with people from time to time.  Some don't even do that and that's where they seek out help with that and they get it.  Our futures open up eventually, so we might want things in our life, but we have to be fine with the way things are and many of us, including me are happy.  I like going out with a friend once a month.  I like talking with my neighbors just a little bit each day.  I like posting on my blog.  I like reading up on the latest technology in computers.  I love reading about the paranormal.  I love watching tv.  I love playing video games.  I love my life.  It's not complicated.  I don't get a drama.  I like it that way.

So I'm not a great person, because a troll says I don't have much of a life, a big "part", or don't get laid?  Well, some of us feel our sex is sacred or if I was an atheist or agnostic aspie my space or sexual contact is not so much sacred, but very intimate and we don't want to let so many in on our intimate touch sensation.  In fact with me I'm Christian, but to me sex should only be shared with someone you trust and love solely and have special feelings for.  In fact the very idea of having sex with someone that I'm not comfortable in a special way with kind of repulses me to some extent.  My personal space would be violated.  We all have urges...well most of us.  But many of us touch, heck even a hug, is very uncomfortable.  I let some people hug me and only sometimes do I even hug back.  I'm just not comfortable with it all the time.  I'm kind of like a cat.  Cats only will give affection when they want it.  They usually complain otherwise.  I don't complain, because I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, though, so I've sort of come to a middle point.  They can respect my space, but I respect their care for me.

So, ya know?  I don't think it's even worth getting upset when a troll chooses to post anymore.  It's completely pointless, because I like where I'm at.  I want better for myself surely, but I love where I am, too.  That is what is meant to be comfortable with yourself.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

He Has Aperger's? I Don't CARE!

Reading man jailed for dead girl 'trolling' insults

The above article is based in Britain.  A person has been trolling sites and in this case trolling memorial pages dedicated to people.  One for committing suicide, because of bullying.  The others were unrelated to bullying.  This is devastating to those families involved.  I'm glad over there that they aren't given rights to their trolling.  I'm not sure we have that here.  Words are about as bad as knives.  The wounds heal and leave scars.  Wounds from repeated emotional scars last longer and take longer to heal than physical ones.  And we have these biased people people, who are probably trolls themselves and suffer from emotional problem themselves(otherwise they wouldn't do this), and they're probably all like "wahh wahh.  Cry me a river."   Oh yeah, well cry your way to hell, since you're driving yourself there as it is.  It's not helping you any to make others feel worse.  You're making yourself feel worse in the long run and you obviously have your head so far up your a** that you can't see it.

Anyways on top of that this person has a history of alcohol problems, something people quite often turn to to numb pain, when they should seek help.  Yes, buddy, that's weak.  It's easier to pick up a bottle than drive your sorry butt to a therapist and wait in line and easier on the wallet.  Why not take the hard way out and just try therapy.  That's the strong way, because it's HARDER for you to do!

And another thing this person has is Aspergers Syndrome.  I...don't...give...a...rats bottom if I can relate to the syndrome.  I can't relate to his sick and twisted mind that is obviously unrelated to AS.  Throw the book at him...oh yeah, they did.  But you know the people trying to get him a lighter slap on the hand were using that as some kind of excuse or whatever.  That kind of makes people with AS look bad.  The fact of the matter is that people with AS are usually the victims.  Hmmm.  Perhaps in his younger years he was a victim.  Well, maybe we should feel sorry for him.  Yeah, I'll feel sorry for him...if I take a time machine back to before he started the trolling garbage.  Or maybe if he repents and never does it again.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

10 Years Since 9/11

Some may ask themselves how an autistic person feels about a catastrophic event like the terrorist attacks on 9-11. I didn't know what to think at first, but I wad rather awe struck after seeing it more and more on tv that day.

I was still in bed and I had just woke up and my mom came upstairs and told the news. A plane had hit one of the twin towers. When I did finally get downstairs I saw videos of the other plane that hit the other tower. How did I feel then? Well, again I was still processing what had just happened. The more I heard about it the more affected I was.

I felt anger more and more as the years went on. I'm the kind ya don't wanna piss off, if you don't want me in your face. If I had my way I'd use Osama as a punching bag and practice a little mutilation on. Now, I wouldn't really go and do such a thing even to a person I hated, but those images hung in my mind. Glad they killed that mother fu**er.

I'm not from NY and I imagine that anyone that used to live there at the time or still do are probably scared as hell right now or even paranoid about this day. And I honestly can't blame them one bit. I personally don't think anything new is happening today. There have been threats and paranoid security precautions. Again I can't blame them for extra security on the 10 year.

For a long time people have and still blame the Muslim religion. I did too. There are so many misinformed people that say that it's part of their faith to "kill the infidel.". That's far from the truth. There's an article on CNN about a Muslim woman whose husband died in the attack. How do you think she feels. She's not alone. It's a minority that believe 9-11 was deserved. Most of them don't believe in terrorism. Again it's a minority. There are Muslims living among us. Dying for their religion of course doesn't mean living in a country that they want destroyed. That wouldn't make sense. We've been fed a lot if lies about them since the attack. We were wrong. We misunderstood.

I know this is a poor example, but I'm going to state it anyway. Every religion has extremists. Even Christians do. Remember Fred Phelps? He represents Christians about as much as Osama Bin Laden represents Muslims. I certainly don't think Mr. Phelps represents me. He can kiss my a**. He slanders Jesus' name. Osama slanders his religion and makes it look bad.

Essentially us Americans know very little about the Muslim religion, so we made assumptions based on the few. People do that today still with Christians. Some people still think Christians are closed minded.

So do some research on Muslims. The more you know the better. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to brainwash yourself. By getting information, your coming to a more rational understanding.

Read articles on CNN that were up recently. Look at an english translated Koran and things expelling it. I even think there's a hotline for thus information. They get yelled at a lot and they expect it and want it. By calling they know you're looking for understanding. It's not a conversion number. That's not their aim. Their aim is to fix that damage that is done to their religion.


Heh, I think I talked too much about about Muslims, but I said what I thought about the subject.


As I see 9-11 now, any catastrophe that happens, man made or natural, it brings people together those attacks did not brings us down or tear us down. We came together. Christians went back to church. They helped people in need. We all did. We grew closer as a nation. As for the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the same happened there. It brought them together. It brought the countries of the world to help them. We can't be brought down, by disasters. They make us stronger.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I wasn't going to post this, but...

I had a melt down Sunday over my computer.  So my desktop is my world to use to cope and escape, so the fact that is messed up pretty bad, kinda bummed me out real bad.  I had panic attacks and all that.  I fixed it real good this time, so it's booting up like it should and it's doing it faster than the last time i fixed it.  It was a software issue, so those are difficult to diagnose or get around, though they're slowly getting easier to fix the more Microsoft comes out with new versions of windows.  Seems to be working real well, now and it was a lot easier to get back on track since i have it backed up in two different ways.  I don't take chances with this stuff.  I back up EVERYTHING!

Really, though with all the anxiety of "what if it happens again?" or "what if i didn't really fix it?" the come as kind of unfounded, because after having decided to take a few days away from the gaming rig of mine, I relaxed a little more and only used it to charge and sync my iphone.  The anxiety gets to be too much and it's just not enough to take a Xanax XR and stuff lately with some added anxiety that I'm still not sure what the precise source is, because it's subconscious.

I really need to relax a bit.  Maybe I can't play games on it for a few months till I have money to fix it, if it actually came to that, but the fact that all my stuff is backed up doubly, just means that getting things back to normal is that much easier.  I mean I can't rationalize all these fears and meltdowns I have had.  I don't know how to calm myself.  But every now and then for some reason I can take a look at the situation rationally and take it in reasonably can sometimes be a comfort.  I honestly take too many problems and blow them out of proportion.

So if anyone can help me figure this out or tell me how they deal with it, I'd appreciate it.  It takes a toll on the body and it saps my energy for a couple days.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Heck With Trolls. Don't React.

I've been thinking this whole thing over with trolls and cyber bullies for a long time.  We've got fights going on.  Feelings get hurt.  And you know what?  They always say, "don't sink to their level" or "you'll be just as bad as they are."  And the argument against that is "they started it" or "they get what they deserve."  And then ya say "It doesn't  matter who started it" or "don't continue it."  Good argument against getting back at them.  A little weak on the side of those getting back at them.  By getting back at them, you're attempting to tell them the way it is and that's it.  They don't listen.

And I know it's been said that they do it for attention and that that's what they want you to do.  Well, isn't that it?  I mean, you're feeding them what they want.  They go after the anger and hatred because they hate themselves.  Can you imagine how a troll feels for a moment?  Their life is so miserable.  They hate themselves and to get attention, the only attention they know, they take it out on you, so they can then let loose and get angry back.  It's an endless cycle.  You might argue that if you stop, they win, right?  They think they win, but if you don't react in the first place, they don't know how to handle it.

So, we've gotten past the stuff that's been said before or things I've heard so much of, but there's more.  So I'm on youtube one day and there's this guy that obviously started something on one of the video comments for some channel I subscribe to.  The obvious troll was getting hammered.  Comments against him were given thumbs up and featured near the top for the thumbs.  Now just imagine for a moment that this person wasn't a troll (even if he was) think of all the attacks on you by all those people.  Can you imagine how he must feel?  Wow.  Staggering.  Everyone is ganging up on him.  It's going back and forth.  He's feeling the pain.  Yes, they feel pain.  Trolls can cause pain to people when they just go nuts, create multiple accounts, but think how it must feel to the troll if he sees all those people that he can't tell are several people for all he knows giving him backlash for all the trolling he's done.  He's gotta feel really crappy.  I mean really low.

It's hard to feel sorry for a troll sometimes, but really when people go so far and it carries on so much, it's like they get way more than they deserve.  I decided that I'd hate myself for back lashing if he feels so bad on the inside.  I conclude that these trolls can't even take it like they can dish it out.

"Don't hate the player.  Hate the game" as they say.

Remember Jessica Slaughter?  This young girl put up videos that were...well not so nice.  They were really bad and she got backlash for them and she then put up a video where she broke down and cried.  I mean, a lot of people don't feel sorry for her because of what she did.  Hey, I've been bullied all my life.  If she pissed me off, years ago I would've been all over her with text comments and crap, but you see that video and if I back lashed at her, I'd feel like a complete jerk.  I know she talked crap, but still there's only so much that one person deserves.  The punishment doesn't equal the crime.  It's better to handle people like her some other way.

In the end I no longer play this game.  Someone posts crap.  I delete it.  I block.  And that's it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Invisible disabilities & social security

Many of us aspies go on to do great things. They work. They find their niche or calling in life and it's a hard road for some of those people. For some it's not hard so much ad it is a lot of learning of society. So there are aspies that generally get along just fine in life.

This is sometimes or even all the time an invisible disorder. Many regular folk see them as nothing but quirky or unusual individuals. Or they may come off as rude jerks when they don't intend to be. Soviet wears down on some of those folks, because they don't know how to cope with others.

Again this is an invisible disability. Some work around it and some have to have
More help with it. Sensory issues that u can go on forever about are problems if another kind. This also gets in the way of working. Social issues, working under a boss with certain expectations.

Those are what I worry about. I've had jobs let me go for various reasons, because I didn't work up to their expectations or I didn't get along well in their work place.

This brings me to having to get social security disability and SSI and food stamps. It's crazy what people talk about behind your back, the looks you get when you use a FS card, the "we gotta work do we don't let people on welfare down" comments. I known they mainly mean people that cheat the system and get it to do whatever, but they look at us aspies and think we're ripping the system and them off. They can't see (understandable sometimes), they refuse to accept the vey idea of us having a disability, and they're too lazy to stop and think that there are just things that they don't understand and it's best to say "we don't understand or see, but that doesn't mean anything."

So stop and think about things for a moment. You don't know the whole story and we may not want you to know the whole story. Our life is none of your business. It's best to leave it alone.

I sympathize with all of those going through this very same thing. One thing we must understand is that it's easier for them to get upset about it, because our problems are not something they can and will understand.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

EARTHQUAKE

So, I live in northern PA far from the epicenter of the 5.8 magnitude earthquake that shook much of the eastern coast.  I was on the porch and I felt the porch move in a circular type shake motion and I looked around for a second, thinking a kid was shaking the porch, but I realized that wasn't even possible, especially how much it shook.  I'm not saying it was much, but it was certainly not a big truck or anything like that.  Far from it.  I look over at my mom and ask "What's that?" and she didn't seem to know what I was talking about till she felt it herself.  They said on tv that it lasted about 20 seconds, but I don't remember it being that long, but it sure could have been several seconds, now that I think about it.

I get on my iPhone after sitting there for awhile and I see on facebook that several of my friends experienced the quake and I see news posts, so I went and turned on CNN.  People had evacuated buildings and such.  Now I know I wasn't there and they have to be careful that nothing worse comes along, but this quake wasn't too bad.  There was some damage to a monument.  There was damage to two water pipes at the pentagon.  Over all we fared pretty well over here.  So Californians think that's nothing and they're right, because they're used to them and we aren't.  The thing is we're in a different situation.  We don't get very many here, so naturally we're going to be a little anxious about it and many people are afraid because they remember what Japan just went through earlier this year.  I can see why someone would be anxious and I have anxiety that goes along with my Aspergers.  I didn't feel anxious.  Actually I was kind of interested and intrigued by the earthquake.  And so this comes along just before the upcoming hurricane.  So we have people on an e-mail group joking about the end of the world.  To some people that's no joke, but to them I say, if you believe these are the signs written about, think about over the years what people went through.  Economic trials, big storms, earthquakes.  Nothing new about all this really.  We snap back to where we were eventually.  It's just going to come back and go away.  It's kind of like a cycle, really.  I'm not worried.  The only thing I think about is what Japan went through and how they were struck much harder and we have it easy and people are worried over nothing, even if I do understand how they may feel.

This is the strongest tremor I've felt in my life, but again I wasn't worried.  It was sort of a curious thing to me to feel that.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Discouraged About People

So, I guess this feeling started with being rejected on an online dating service and I should be used to that or being ignored on those sites. *sigh* Everyone wants someone who is financially secure and/or working. They have to do "adult stuff" for fun like go to the bar once in a while, etc. They'd frown upon video game players, cartoon/anime watchers or people who aren't very social adept. 

I get discouraged from it, but I bounce back eventually (not more than a day). But I dunno, right now I feel like people are judgmental, opinionated, pushy, and rude. They frown at you when you check out with a food stamp card and they think that a disability has to be visible to be there. 

They say they have to go to work or the people on soc sec are going to be disappointed. >.< UGH! They don't even realize the hell I've been through. Just because it's not visible doesn't mean it doesn't exist! If you've never felt it, then you don't know what it's like, so think about that before you go and say something stupid about something you don't understand. I don't care if you don't understand, you should at least have the decency to say "I don't know. I may not understand, but who am I to judge? I can't judge anything I don't know anything about." I mean, I try to understand a lot of things and I may not understand some things that people have or are, but because I'm different in my own way means that I don't know enough to judge. I at least try to understand stuff. I make an effort, but these people are so close minded that they don't want to think about it. Maybe it's just too much work to use your head a little. >.< 

I just would say to them, "if you've felt like that at one time or another, try imagining that pain and irritation or what have you and imagine you have it day after day after day." Hell, isn't it? Hell, but you learn to deal to some degree. I mean, my anxiety isn't too bad in many situations now, so i'm getting along better, but my ASD gets in my way from working and I need to find something that suits me more where as with most people they take what they can get. It's not necessarily good for them in the long run, but they can say they're strong and put up with it as long as they have to. I know people like that and sometimes the job wears down on them, but they're strong enough that a little vacation is all they need to get back on their feet. Not me. not me... 

I tried to stop blaming myself a long time ago and for the most part I have, but when you see how people react to you when you don't have a job or what not, it can be pretty discouraging and hurtful.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Changes in my socialization seem positive.

Things seem to be getting better.  I fooled the new nurse at the mental health clinic into thinking I was looking into her eyes when my eyes were off in slightly off directions.  Chin, mouth, off to the sides a bit, forehead, etc.  It's something that aspies have learned to deal with.  At times I do still find discomfort in looking into the eyes when I try.

The funny thing is that for the last couple months I've just been noting more talkativeness in appointments, mostly with my therapist.  I've had a lot to talk about on the subject and a little on off topics, too.  That's rare for me, but this doesn't always translate outside the place.  Maybe it's the comfort of being there.  But the nurse was  new to me.  She just told me to tell her about myself and I did.  Whatever came to mind.  Not sure what's caused some of this change.

Maybe if this keeps up I can see more positive changes.  I do still isolate a little bit.  I come out of it now and then when not forced to.  There's little change there.  It seems I need to try harder at least things are more encouraging now.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Should I someday start my own computer business?

I've been slowly reading John Elder Robison's book "Look Me in the Eye."  It can be rather inspiring.  I've always been interested in electronics myself, but I'm not really the engineer type.  I like the end product myself.  I'm a computer lover and I have upgraded and even built a computer before.  The very idea of making this into a job of my own has crossed my mind several times, but I feel I need some ideas of how to do it.  I'm confident enough that I can do this.

I did have one hang up when I built my first computer, though.  Thing is, it seems that I got the blue screen of death several times, randomly.  I took it to two different people, neither of which could figure out what was truly wrong with it.  I eventually sold it for way under what it cost to put it together.  I figured on selling it for parts or something.  I took the hard drive out, because I didn't feel that having had private information on it, despite having reformatted it.  The guy who got it said it's been working for quite awhile, so I'm pleased with that.  I did have some kind of inkling that it had something to do with that, because it didn't start doing that till after I tried partition it and the partitioning failed.  I reformatted it and re-installed and that didn't help the problem.  But the two computer repair people didn't seem to think so.  Oh well, now I know that if I didn't know, they didn't know, and having taken the hard drive out and someone using a new one and having it work for them, then it doesn't mean I suck at building and repairing.  Some things are just unknown even to other techies.

My first step will have to be to acquire a job that pays enough.  I can't picture myself living off of SSD or SSI forever as I am now.  And that certainly isn't enough to get me started in career of my own.

After making enough money, I could do research.  I'd look at ebay and see what computers with what specifications are going for and compare that to how much it would cost to put them all together.  Seems simple enough.  Then I'd know just what I'd be making and whether it'd be worth it.  In fact, if this started to go real well, then I could see myself doing a few a week, if necessary.  The more money I make, the more I can put together and eventually I could make enough to make a living off of it.  I can also guarantee my work for 90 days.  And of course those 90 days start as soon as the tracking number shows when it was or will be delivered.

But I can see one problem with this.  Taxes.  How do I do tax work on my earnings?  And what about the obligatory state taxes for those that buy within my state of residence?  That's something I know nothing about.

So as I think about it, I really need to acquire some more knowledge in order to get this started.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Ending a chapter in my life that was already over

Not long ago, maybe a few months.  I was still very angry at my former high school (and those going there that gave problems) for not taking the appropriate action in addressing my problems.  To me it was all about them trying to stop me from making trouble when I was the victim in it all.

I used to blow my top at the slightest snide remake made about me or to me.  Mild to moderate, I was bullied.  I was the victim.  I made it a point and I shouted out loud that I was always the victim and that I was being singled out for "behavioral problems."  The gave me counseling.  They did everything to shut me up.  Still I persisted.  My meltdowns continued throughout my high school life.  And for years after I would not let it go.  I was so pissed about it and I would never ever let it go until someone turned back the clock and literally just made everyone act like decent human beings.  In the end of 12th grade I was isolated a lot to do my school work in peace.

But I have come to an understanding.  I didn't know about aspergers or mild autism.  They didn't either.  I didn't know why I was different.  They didn't either.  I didn't know why I was singled out.  They had their own ideas.  I didn't know why I couldn't just ignore it and move on.  Neither did they.  I had no idea how to get over their abusive words.  The school.  The counseling.  They didn't help.  They didn't know how.  They didn't know about aspergers.  They didn't know that I was mildly autistic.  We didn't know.

How can they help what they don't understand?  How can I get help when even I didn't understand myself?  In the end how can I blame ignorance?  How can I blame someone that hasn't got the foggiest what they're up against?  So that's it.  I have no choice but to forgive.  How do you forgive?  You forgive, because they don't understand.  They don't know your thoughts  They can't feel the same way you do.  You can't read minds.  They can't read yours.  You can tell them everything you know how to tell them, but that doesn't help either, does it?  No.  Telling someone something doesn't change anything.  They have to FEEL what you feel.  They have to truly dig deep into your mind.  They would have to be a bloody mind reader!

Forget it!  Forgive it!  And move on.  Come to the understanding that they cannot understand without being you for a little while.  There's no cure for their ignorance.  The only thing you can do is let it go.  Let things slide.  Forgive it.  Forget it.  And move on...

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Supernatural: The Anime

Supernatural Anime DVD Give-Away

I haven't seen the anime version myself yet, but I'm a huge fan of the original CW hit show and was from the very beginning.  Obviously loving anime, too, this is pretty much a no brainer.  Hurry up and enter, because the winners will be announced on the 28th.

Source Code, Dylan Dog, Supernatural: The Anime Series DVDs

Above is Attack of the Show's Chris Gore reviewing the anime.  He's never seen the actual show before, not big  on some of the cutesy anime-ish things, but he loved the anime version of this show.  Here's hoping this gets him to watch the original live action series.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

"Cuddle Hormone" As a Treatment for Autism

'Cuddle Hormone' Possible Treatment For Autism

I saw this article posted on a Facebook autism Group and I thought I'd share it.

It sounds like this hormone benefits autistic people, kids and adults, socially.  I always thought of autism as being something that you couldn't really change as far as social problems, because no matter how you cope with it, the problem is still there, because of your neurological workings.  This suggests that autistics don't get enough of this hormone and that getting more of this hormone can make us more socially aware.

Many autistics go on how they don't want to be cured, because if they cure, it would take away their gifts and such, but this isn't a cure and there probably won't be one.  But this is a good possibility for those like me that have social issues.

What it doesn't say though is whether or not this helps people who are deterred from socializing or like to isolate themselves for whatever reason.  This is my problem.  I'm unsure whether it'd actually help me enough to go out and meet people.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Talking Too Much

I'm sure you or someone you know has run into someone that just likes to talk a lot.  I mean there are NTs out there that just like to talk to strangers about what's on their mind and have no problem with it.  What's difficult is that if you're an aspie and have sensory issues with people.  Now me personally, I don't worry too much about it.  I just nod my head, avoid eye contact, look at the person's neck or whatever.  I listen, but I don't always follow what is said if it's of no interest to me.

I know that some aspies out there have a very difficult time with people like that.  They don't like it when people go on and on and on, but I guess no one really does exactly.  But to an aspie it can be rather uncomfortable.

Now here's something interesting.  Aspies have sensory issues on that.  Then other aspies don't.  And then there are aspies that do just that.  But they go on and on about the same thing and the only real interest they have, going into every detail with the NT, aspie, whatever, not understanding, because the aspie has so much knowledge of that one subject and not filling in details to help clarify what they're talking about.  It's hard for some aspies to acknowledge that not everybody understands some of the necessary details the person would need to know to understand.

I talk to my parents or relatives or whomever else I know about my computers and occasionally, if I'm even that talkative and I usually am not, I get into what I'm saying and I'll say something about my laptop coming with an Intel i5 processor instead of an i3 that was advertised and being pleasantly surprised by it.  And getting the response as a question like "Is that good?"  I'm always into the technical specs of a machine.  Or when I can't beat an enemy in an rpg, I'll just say I need to level up more.  That prompts the response, "What do you mean?"  RPGs seem to be a niche market where only certain types of gamers enjoy that kind of thing and they have an expansive knowledge of how those games play out, including the leveling system, character stats, what their abilities are, etc.  And people outside looking at it are thinking "what the hell is all that?" or "I totally don't understand this game you're playing."

And now you see what I mean, I've gone on for at least a little bit on the subjects that interest me.  Technology and video games, specifically RPGs.  So basically we might have a bigger knowledge of things and quite simply not understanding how to explain it to someone else that isn't into that sort of thing.  And we get the same way with NTs.  We don't get them either sometimes.

But all in all who understands everyone or anyone enough?  We may bother NTs or even other aspies.  And sometimes even NTs get to us, even though we might understand what they're talking about.  So are you an aspie that talks a lot on one subject?  Or does socializing with someone that talks an awful lot even if they are NTs?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Ever have a thing for an anime character? Is anime more real to you?

I have to admit I've had things for certain anime characters.  Certain female anime characters.  And to me I just feel more when I watch certain animes with emotion in them like "Clannad" or "Air".  I actually have emotional outlets with them that I can't seem to have in real life.

Anyways, what this was originally supposed to be about was having a certain thing for certain characters, not necessarily in emotional scenes or animes.  I used to have a big thing for Ukyou Kuonji from "Ranma 1/2."  I really miss seeing the vhs recordings we had of them.  I think I'm going to collect that on dvd next.  Ukyou was this spatula wielding tomboy.  She had the looks I like in a girl.  Long black hair and cute.  That basically sums it up there.  Of course the anime wouldn't be complete without all the "Ranma loves who?" stuff.  Come on Ranma, you know you want Ukyou.  You two have a childhood history.

I was then big on Sango from "Inuyasha."  Again with the long black hair?  Yeah, yeah.  I have a plushie of her.  Don't think I could get one of Ukyou.  Never did see one.  Wait, same author and the fact that they both wield a giant weapon.  What gives here.  lol  Is there a fetish for giant weapons?  No.  lol.  Coincidence I guess.  

What about Tsabaki from "Soul Eater."  Yep.  Long dark hair and this time she IS a weapon!  Ok, weird.  lol  I swear there's no pattern here as far as weapons.  

So what about you?  Do you have a thing for anime characters?  Do you have more emotion through tv than real life?