Aspie Love

I feel like giving up sometimes.  I'm stuck in life and one of the things that's frustrating me right now is being alone and not having a partner in life.  I still live with my parents.  I don't have the job and income to live alone.  I do get SSD and SSI, but I can't even begin to think how I'd live off that.  But again this is the least of my worries at the moment, since my mind is totally set on finding "the one" right now.

Aspies and aspies, I heard, don't work well together in a relationship.  I can pretty much imagine why that might be.  One wants or needs something in their relationship at certain moments and then the other doesn't and isn't willing to compromise, because of their aspie mind set.

I don't exactly live in a well populated place.  Even going further out like 25 miles or 30 miles out won't take me anywhere where there's activity, especially activities that interest me.  I'm an anime, computer, movie, and video game nerd.  There are no local gaming clubs.  No local anime clubs.  No computer clubs.  etc.  So what if I did have the money to move out?  I'd still prefer being in a place that's secluded like this place, because I like the peace and quiet of going out on the porch and not hear car after car after car go by.  I lived most of my life in town till months ago and now I'm more comfortable where it's quieter.  And then there's the idea of moving where I don't know people.  Scary thoughts really.  So what's a guy to do to meet people around here that are into the kinds of things I am or to even meet people for some basic events.  Again, nothing of significance happens here.  There's no activity to go to a couple times a month.

I go to a group for mental health needs and some social needs.  No one new really.  Two aspies there.  One of them female as a matter of fact, but if I asked her out I'd feel like I asked out a sibling.  She's a good friend, but I just think it'd feel kind of icky to try any kind of relationship with her.

That sort of leads to another point.  I really don't know how things can fall into place once I do meet a female with the same interests.  How would I feel?  Would it just sound icky to me yet again?  Why do I feel this way with some people anyway when a "what if" scenario goes through my head?

So I fantasize sometimes of a relationship with someone I started talking to.  The first thing that comes to mind when I think of these scenarios is that the person has a different sort of personality than my own that I feel drawn to.  Someone a little more perky and peppy, but not too crazy.  Ok, ok, so maybe the person is quite a bit more willing to put themselves out there and quite the opposite than me, but still holds the same beliefs and some of my interests.  It's not far off to think that this could happen, if said person even exists where I am and assuming the circumstances of meeting the person weren't far out of reach.

Then there's also the internet.  Ah, the vast world of women that may be willing to date me.  I know I have to answer a few profiles and I have, but it's still discouraging when I get no answer back.  I have my profile there and no one bites.  I bite, but no bites back.  I've had one person, so far, answer, but I found out just by her being forward enough to tell me things in her life and I just thought she was a vindictive (trying to get back at her ex constantly), jealous (thinks that it's a good idea to screen a bf's e-mail, etc "found out through a okcupid quiz that we discussed), psycho (she flat out said she had anger problems and again that quiz said she'd kill someone if she thought she'd get away with it.  "In this case, her father for not being there all her life. O.o ").  I'd actually appreciate some help with presenting myself online better.  Even if someone would like to see these profiles.  Maybe something in my profile turns them off.

Another thing is that I'd like to have a specialist type therapist that's been known to help aspies quite a bit.  But I think there may be one in a close city, but unfortunately that's another state and I'm sure medicaid won't pay for it.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind.  Please comment, if you think you can help.

People are really hit or miss, but computers are predictable for the most part

Yeah, people are really hit or miss.  You've got rude people that no matter what you say or do when you're around them, they're going to act in an unexpected manner like be rude to you or whatever.  You have no control on what they do or say.  You have no predictability on how they may react.  There are a lot of good people out there and there are some rude people out there.  That's part of why I isolate.  Even online the same old thing.  Especially YouTube or other boards where you're really not bonded with everyone.  I use these sites to communicate and get my socialization going and to learn how to handle trolls and jerks mentally.  And I'm actually getting better at it.

The other end of things computers, electronics, video games, and etc are mostly predictable and controllable.  If you've run into a problem on the computer, it can be fixed.  If you're computer's so bad off, you can buy or build a new one.  You have total control and mostly predictability.  Computers don't judge you.  People do.

Socialization is a difficult game to play and maneuver.  You have people with erratic behaviors that are nice one moment and no good Nazis the next.  You have people that try to pry into your business.  You have insulters or real life trolls, i guess you could call them.  You have good honest people and even then sometimes you make a mistake, but you can patch that up as best you can.  friendships are mostly fixable.  Gotta love the social game.  It's much more difficult, but well worth playing.  Probably the most difficult game to play in my opinion.  Online or offline.  More success online, because you don't see people's faces.  It's mostly just text on a screen.

So again, it's best to balance the two, but maybe for an aspie like me, just take the social game on a small manageable basis.  All in all make sure not to overload yourself socially.

Life Gets Better After Bullying

Being bullied is hell, but life gets better - CNN.com:

I came across this article just now. And I thought the same thing. What if I could write a letter to myself, one to be sent during high school or the middle of it. And then I'd send one in my hardest time when I was harassed online in early 2000. I'd even mention when someone tried to impersonate me on fb.

What would I say? I only would say is things just get better and better as life goes on. Stuff happens, but then it's short and it goes away.

High school was hell for me. Being bullied is hell. This goes for any bulled person, whether you're a "geek," gay, bisexual, lesbian, an aspie, or an outcast for any reason at all. Bullying knows no personal background or profile. It can happen to anyone. And that is the most important message to send to bullied children in their school days. This is by far the worst that will ever happen to you and when you're out there in the real world, it just gets better. No matter who you are. It gets better with age. So maybe you're 23 and still living with your parents and maybe you're staying there for reasons beyond your control and what if again still at 23 those parents are abusing you? First of all tell someone. I don't give a crap if you think you have no choice, because of economic hardship or what not. There's a way out of this. The authorities take control of the situation. It's a process. Get a credit card, order surveillance in your room. Do something. They can't do any more than they haven't already done.

The point is first take control of your situation. Tell someone. Take any record of the situation. And then remind yourself constantly that it can only get better. It can only get better. And that's the truth. Millions of people are out there that have gone through a lot of crap and they'll tell you the same. Suicide is not the way out. Self harming isn't. Just stop it. Face it. And know you're not alone. And know that it will pass. Bad things pass faster and faster.

And finally the article mentions this song.

Brad Paisley - Letter to Me

make sure you have Spotify to listen.

(Disclaimer: Spotify is a legal service that offers music to listen to for free and it is ad supported. There is no copyright infringement.)

Learning From YouTube

So if you've been reading this blog, you know I have a YouTube account and that I use it at least once a month. I get good comments and then I get comments from trolls just trying to start a fight.

The first thing I started doing was writing back to them, but that's just dumb.  All you end up doing is working them up to get back at you and if you end up making them feel worse and you knew it, you'd hate yourself and I wrote on that before.  Gut reaction tells me to let them know to knock it off, but really that's what they want and it's pointless to talk to them.

The next thing I started doing was to just erase the message that bothered me and not say a word and maybe rant about it on Facebook or here.  It was still bothering me and it still comes back to me later.  It's normal for me to hang on to things, but I'm learning coping skills not to.

The last thing I tried to do, since most big time people get trolled at, too, is to leave it there and let it take care of itself.  If I get good comments later on, ok.  I could also have people smack em up a bit with comments.  Who knows.

Trolls are trolls.  They're hated for a reason.  So I'm just not letting it bother me anymore.  I'm learning how to handle jerks by posting those videos on other topics and just letting things happen.  I don't care so much anymore.  Still bothers me now and then, but hey, that's getting up to a normal level for me, so I'm getting so I feel just as good as anyone else that gets trolled and doesn't give a crap.

Why Blame Games?

Why are researchers looking for reasons behind violence? It's a simple answer. I mean people act out primarily because we are angry. We're taught by our parents how to settle differences. That is what we need to focus on. We need the researchers to look into child rearing. What were they taught by their parents. How were the shown? How the parents set examples. What was their home life like?

Of course anger is the main reason. Greed is another, but what about people who do it for shock value? They like the violence in movies and games and want to take it a step further. The people that do it for this reason are few in number. So few, I figure, that it doesn't make any difference whether it was a game or movie. Real life and news can inspire these same things and why wouldn't they?

But here's a bigger question. Why do we search for those kind of answers? Why do we look at people that love the shock and try to explain their behavior as inspiration from a form of entertainment? What purpose does that serve us?

So now that we see games as a threat because of their inspiration on the few, they want to ban these games, limit their sale, and/or blame them. What happened to blaming the person that committed the crime? Shouldn't they take responsibility? Yes and we force them to.

But as a society we have been playing the blame game. We don't want to take responsibility for our own actions. We want to blame games and movies. We want to blame the makers. We want to blame anyone that has any tiny connection to the crime.

"Oh, a video game made me do it." "Duly noted in your defense." We're playing a game of who we can blame for our own actions and not taking full responsibility. They did the crime. They do the time. Plain an simple justice.

No form of entertainment. No person can make you do anything. You do it. You did it. Done. No more blame and no more excuses.

My First Look and Boot Times of Windows 8

I didn't really time these boot ups on my Desktop and Laptop, so i twas kind of hard to tell which was faster.  The Desktop video is longer, but I had to figure in the time it took to put in my password on the desktop and all that.
Laptop:

Desktop:

Be Comfortable Where You Are, But Want More...

I know I've had some negative posts recently, especially my last one which was an angry thing I wrote up.  I got my frustrations out and I think I pretty much said it all in that post about trolls, but I'm going to post another thing that sort of relates to trolls or addresses them to some extent, but this one will be positive.

You'll find a lot of common themes like "You'll never get laid" or maybe they elude to the fact that you don't have anything happening in your life in some form or another.  Well, first off, I can be single and have urges like anyone else.  But I don't let it get me down most of the time.  In fact it's a lot better that way.  when dealing with people, there can be a lot of drama.  And for someone with AS that's great.  People with aspergers syndrome don't all want to go out to the bar every week and get laid by every girl in the bar.  Many of them don't really care to have too much human interaction.  It's not that human interaction isn't important.  It certainly is, but we get our interaction in different ways.  The internet only does so well there, but we do get out and do things with people from time to time.  Some don't even do that and that's where they seek out help with that and they get it.  Our futures open up eventually, so we might want things in our life, but we have to be fine with the way things are and many of us, including me are happy.  I like going out with a friend once a month.  I like talking with my neighbors just a little bit each day.  I like posting on my blog.  I like reading up on the latest technology in computers.  I love reading about the paranormal.  I love watching tv.  I love playing video games.  I love my life.  It's not complicated.  I don't get a drama.  I like it that way.

So I'm not a great person, because a troll says I don't have much of a life, a big "part", or don't get laid?  Well, some of us feel our sex is sacred or if I was an atheist or agnostic aspie my space or sexual contact is not so much sacred, but very intimate and we don't want to let so many in on our intimate touch sensation.  In fact with me I'm Christian, but to me sex should only be shared with someone you trust and love solely and have special feelings for.  In fact the very idea of having sex with someone that I'm not comfortable in a special way with kind of repulses me to some extent.  My personal space would be violated.  We all have urges...well most of us.  But many of us touch, heck even a hug, is very uncomfortable.  I let some people hug me and only sometimes do I even hug back.  I'm just not comfortable with it all the time.  I'm kind of like a cat.  Cats only will give affection when they want it.  They usually complain otherwise.  I don't complain, because I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, though, so I've sort of come to a middle point.  They can respect my space, but I respect their care for me.

So, ya know?  I don't think it's even worth getting upset when a troll chooses to post anymore.  It's completely pointless, because I like where I'm at.  I want better for myself surely, but I love where I am, too.  That is what is meant to be comfortable with yourself.

He Has Aperger's? I Don't CARE!

Reading man jailed for dead girl 'trolling' insults

The above article is based in Britain.  A person has been trolling sites and in this case trolling memorial pages dedicated to people.  One for committing suicide, because of bullying.  The others were unrelated to bullying.  This is devastating to those families involved.  I'm glad over there that they aren't given rights to their trolling.  I'm not sure we have that here.  Words are about as bad as knives.  The wounds heal and leave scars.  Wounds from repeated emotional scars last longer and take longer to heal than physical ones.  And we have these biased people people, who are probably trolls themselves and suffer from emotional problem themselves(otherwise they wouldn't do this), and they're probably all like "wahh wahh.  Cry me a river."   Oh yeah, well cry your way to hell, since you're driving yourself there as it is.  It's not helping you any to make others feel worse.  You're making yourself feel worse in the long run and you obviously have your head so far up your a** that you can't see it.

Anyways on top of that this person has a history of alcohol problems, something people quite often turn to to numb pain, when they should seek help.  Yes, buddy, that's weak.  It's easier to pick up a bottle than drive your sorry butt to a therapist and wait in line and easier on the wallet.  Why not take the hard way out and just try therapy.  That's the strong way, because it's HARDER for you to do!

And another thing this person has is Aspergers Syndrome.  I...don't...give...a...rats bottom if I can relate to the syndrome.  I can't relate to his sick and twisted mind that is obviously unrelated to AS.  Throw the book at him...oh yeah, they did.  But you know the people trying to get him a lighter slap on the hand were using that as some kind of excuse or whatever.  That kind of makes people with AS look bad.  The fact of the matter is that people with AS are usually the victims.  Hmmm.  Perhaps in his younger years he was a victim.  Well, maybe we should feel sorry for him.  Yeah, I'll feel sorry for him...if I take a time machine back to before he started the trolling garbage.  Or maybe if he repents and never does it again.

10 Years Since 9/11

Some may ask themselves how an autistic person feels about a catastrophic event like the terrorist attacks on 9-11. I didn't know what to think at first, but I wad rather awe struck after seeing it more and more on tv that day.

I was still in bed and I had just woke up and my mom came upstairs and told the news. A plane had hit one of the twin towers. When I did finally get downstairs I saw videos of the other plane that hit the other tower. How did I feel then? Well, again I was still processing what had just happened. The more I heard about it the more affected I was.

I felt anger more and more as the years went on. I'm the kind ya don't wanna piss off, if you don't want me in your face. If I had my way I'd use Osama as a punching bag and practice a little mutilation on. Now, I wouldn't really go and do such a thing even to a person I hated, but those images hung in my mind. Glad they killed that mother fu**er.

I'm not from NY and I imagine that anyone that used to live there at the time or still do are probably scared as hell right now or even paranoid about this day. And I honestly can't blame them one bit. I personally don't think anything new is happening today. There have been threats and paranoid security precautions. Again I can't blame them for extra security on the 10 year.

For a long time people have and still blame the Muslim religion. I did too. There are so many misinformed people that say that it's part of their faith to "kill the infidel.". That's far from the truth. There's an article on CNN about a Muslim woman whose husband died in the attack. How do you think she feels. She's not alone. It's a minority that believe 9-11 was deserved. Most of them don't believe in terrorism. Again it's a minority. There are Muslims living among us. Dying for their religion of course doesn't mean living in a country that they want destroyed. That wouldn't make sense. We've been fed a lot if lies about them since the attack. We were wrong. We misunderstood.

I know this is a poor example, but I'm going to state it anyway. Every religion has extremists. Even Christians do. Remember Fred Phelps? He represents Christians about as much as Osama Bin Laden represents Muslims. I certainly don't think Mr. Phelps represents me. He can kiss my a**. He slanders Jesus' name. Osama slanders his religion and makes it look bad.

Essentially us Americans know very little about the Muslim religion, so we made assumptions based on the few. People do that today still with Christians. Some people still think Christians are closed minded.

So do some research on Muslims. The more you know the better. Don't fool yourself into thinking you're going to brainwash yourself. By getting information, your coming to a more rational understanding.

Read articles on CNN that were up recently. Look at an english translated Koran and things expelling it. I even think there's a hotline for thus information. They get yelled at a lot and they expect it and want it. By calling they know you're looking for understanding. It's not a conversion number. That's not their aim. Their aim is to fix that damage that is done to their religion.


Heh, I think I talked too much about about Muslims, but I said what I thought about the subject.


As I see 9-11 now, any catastrophe that happens, man made or natural, it brings people together those attacks did not brings us down or tear us down. We came together. Christians went back to church. They helped people in need. We all did. We grew closer as a nation. As for the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the same happened there. It brought them together. It brought the countries of the world to help them. We can't be brought down, by disasters. They make us stronger.

I wasn't going to post this, but...

I had a melt down Sunday over my computer.  So my desktop is my world to use to cope and escape, so the fact that is messed up pretty bad, kinda bummed me out real bad.  I had panic attacks and all that.  I fixed it real good this time, so it's booting up like it should and it's doing it faster than the last time i fixed it.  It was a software issue, so those are difficult to diagnose or get around, though they're slowly getting easier to fix the more Microsoft comes out with new versions of windows.  Seems to be working real well, now and it was a lot easier to get back on track since i have it backed up in two different ways.  I don't take chances with this stuff.  I back up EVERYTHING!

Really, though with all the anxiety of "what if it happens again?" or "what if i didn't really fix it?" the come as kind of unfounded, because after having decided to take a few days away from the gaming rig of mine, I relaxed a little more and only used it to charge and sync my iphone.  The anxiety gets to be too much and it's just not enough to take a Xanax XR and stuff lately with some added anxiety that I'm still not sure what the precise source is, because it's subconscious.

I really need to relax a bit.  Maybe I can't play games on it for a few months till I have money to fix it, if it actually came to that, but the fact that all my stuff is backed up doubly, just means that getting things back to normal is that much easier.  I mean I can't rationalize all these fears and meltdowns I have had.  I don't know how to calm myself.  But every now and then for some reason I can take a look at the situation rationally and take it in reasonably can sometimes be a comfort.  I honestly take too many problems and blow them out of proportion.

So if anyone can help me figure this out or tell me how they deal with it, I'd appreciate it.  It takes a toll on the body and it saps my energy for a couple days.

The Heck With Trolls. Don't React.

I've been thinking this whole thing over with trolls and cyber bullies for a long time.  We've got fights going on.  Feelings get hurt.  And you know what?  They always say, "don't sink to their level" or "you'll be just as bad as they are."  And the argument against that is "they started it" or "they get what they deserve."  And then ya say "It doesn't  matter who started it" or "don't continue it."  Good argument against getting back at them.  A little weak on the side of those getting back at them.  By getting back at them, you're attempting to tell them the way it is and that's it.  They don't listen.

And I know it's been said that they do it for attention and that that's what they want you to do.  Well, isn't that it?  I mean, you're feeding them what they want.  They go after the anger and hatred because they hate themselves.  Can you imagine how a troll feels for a moment?  Their life is so miserable.  They hate themselves and to get attention, the only attention they know, they take it out on you, so they can then let loose and get angry back.  It's an endless cycle.  You might argue that if you stop, they win, right?  They think they win, but if you don't react in the first place, they don't know how to handle it.

So, we've gotten past the stuff that's been said before or things I've heard so much of, but there's more.  So I'm on youtube one day and there's this guy that obviously started something on one of the video comments for some channel I subscribe to.  The obvious troll was getting hammered.  Comments against him were given thumbs up and featured near the top for the thumbs.  Now just imagine for a moment that this person wasn't a troll (even if he was) think of all the attacks on you by all those people.  Can you imagine how he must feel?  Wow.  Staggering.  Everyone is ganging up on him.  It's going back and forth.  He's feeling the pain.  Yes, they feel pain.  Trolls can cause pain to people when they just go nuts, create multiple accounts, but think how it must feel to the troll if he sees all those people that he can't tell are several people for all he knows giving him backlash for all the trolling he's done.  He's gotta feel really crappy.  I mean really low.

It's hard to feel sorry for a troll sometimes, but really when people go so far and it carries on so much, it's like they get way more than they deserve.  I decided that I'd hate myself for back lashing if he feels so bad on the inside.  I conclude that these trolls can't even take it like they can dish it out.

"Don't hate the player.  Hate the game" as they say.

Remember Jessica Slaughter?  This young girl put up videos that were...well not so nice.  They were really bad and she got backlash for them and she then put up a video where she broke down and cried.  I mean, a lot of people don't feel sorry for her because of what she did.  Hey, I've been bullied all my life.  If she pissed me off, years ago I would've been all over her with text comments and crap, but you see that video and if I back lashed at her, I'd feel like a complete jerk.  I know she talked crap, but still there's only so much that one person deserves.  The punishment doesn't equal the crime.  It's better to handle people like her some other way.

In the end I no longer play this game.  Someone posts crap.  I delete it.  I block.  And that's it.