Relationships

How many of you are still single?  How does that make you feel.  Well first off I kind of like being single, but I kind of don't.  I mean I'm 35 and I've never been in a real relationship with someone.  Sometimes that does get me down, but not a lot.  Other than the times that I'm just okay with it, I'm longing for it, but not really upset that I'm not in one.

I have to say that I am a little ashamed, because when I fantasize about it, I may be a little unrealistic and I don't mean that I'm looking at all these beautiful women on websites with smiles and such or on my television screen.  No.  I mean Everything is perfect.  They're physically beautiful and everything.  I'm really fixated on looks, but they don't win me over unless they have the personality and mind and love that I need in someone.  I guess it's good that I won't stay just because they look good.  Now my idea of good looking is a little wider than what some people talk about online.  They can be a few extra pounds.  Maybe 225-230 lbs and still look good to me.  I'm really fixated on the face as far as looks.  Beautiful smile, eyes, and hair.  More or less the whole, above the shoulders look.  That's where my eyes point when I think someone looks cute.

I will be honest though.  I met a friend online from far away and we started off sending long messages.  We just clicked.  But being far away, it wasn't quite feasible.  I eventually saw a few pictures of her, but she wasn't all that as far as looks to be honest, but I still had feelings that went past that.  If we were to meet someday I would have still wanted her.  So, I'm not really hung up on looks too much, but I don't get past them on first sight.

I go to a group and people have tried telling me a few times, "Why not her?"  She's just a friend to me and she's a little too quirky for my taste.  To be honest, the very idea felt kind of icky to me, because it's like the feeling you have for a relative.  Would you want to get romantic with a relative?  Would you want to be romantic with someone you only saw as a friend and that's all there is to it?  No, it doesn't feel right and it doesn't feel comfortable.  You're repulsed by the idea, because you've already established your type of relationship with that person in your mind and that's where it ends.

So, here's a little problem I have.  I'm have a hard time meeting new people or talking to them unless they talk to me first.  It's kind of like walking into a dark room and not knowing what's there and you're too afraid to ask if anyone's there, if they're good or evil, and whether they want you there.  (Weird ghosty metaphor.)  So in a nutshell I'm too unsure of myself.  And what if this person is attractive?  That's a whole nother thing.  The fear spikes then, because you know about the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling.  I'd be unable to speak or ask them out.  At least that's the way it was when I was younger.  I don't get out much and when I see someone I don't think twice about what she'd be like.

When I was in High School, I'd see a lot of everyone, so if I saw or even knew someone attractive, then I have the whole "can't tell the person what I feel" or "ask them out" sort of thing.  Now that I'm not stuck in that kind of situation and everything is all opened up and everyone scattered, where the chances of me seeing the person again and where is totally unknown.  So I don't even think about a person I just saw at the gas station or whatever.  Maybe I'd be less intimidated, since I'm not in the situation of seeing the same people all the time in the same place.  Maybe I'm different now, too.  But there's no real way for me to test out the idea that I have less fear of women.  All I have is the fear of people in general, which is now a bit minor.

I can barely tell you something about online dating.  I can see a scam a mile away and I get very little feedback on these free profiles.  I have double checked my profile with other people who say it's a good profile and doesn't reflect some bad things about me.  I have had one hit, but the person was a psycho and that lasted a few days.

Right now all I can do is know that things are okay right now and I don't really need anyone.  I just have some strong desires sometimes and I'm still moving forward, even though it's slower than some other people.  Someday something will happen as I change.  It's a matter of time, advice, understanding, and action.  I will get there.

How many people with Aspergers Syndrome don't work?

I tried looking up that statistics on how many Aspies don't work and get disability and couldn't find it.  But because all Aspies are different, I suspect that there's no way to really guess the answer.  I'm one that does not work.

I have had jobs in the past.  I started off with cleaning jobs.  In fact they were all more or less about cleaning besides my last two.  Manual work is a big turn off.  I do and did what I had to do now and even back then. Anymore, now and my physical health is not doing me well.  My back is giving me pain, when I stand around too much or bend over a lot.  I can stand to work doing certain manual tasks for a few very short hours if it were a job and not just house work.

My first couple of jobs were just to help pay for books for college.  As soon as classes started, I had to stop and do them.  After I graduated I found it difficult to find any work at all in my field.  So I still took on jobs I wasn't happy with.  But for whatever reason I wasn't working up to their standards.  At the time I didn't know what they meant and I still don't conclusively understand.

I had one job where I was pushing carts and was hoping to go at the registers.  Unknown to me that I even had AS at the time I tried this job nervously.  The last few months of the 4 years I was there I got worse and worse and my mind was not handling it very well.  I was stiff and rigid and nervous.  Even from the beginning I was this way, but I was even worse during that last little bit.  All the stimulation, having to socialize even just a little, and having to pay attention to so many of those things made me progress into burn out.  Turned out that the boss was just hoping I'd get better.  I never did.  And because I was getting worse, he asked me to quit.  So that was that.

I had bills from a credit card company that I still had to pay off.  I qualified for cash benefits from the state, which I had gotten before the job, because of another diagnosis and at the time I didn't get social security benefits.  I tried anxiously to get them, due to my condition.  I described in full how it made me feel and how it hindered me on my performance.  I was as detailed as I could be.  I was automatically approved.  It did take a long time, but I did that SSDI/SSI.

I wasn't content not working.  I felt that I needed to do something.  But it was like something I was supposed to do and not something I really wanted to do.  I did get another job, but during the last part of training I failed miserably at the job.  I figured taking orders by incoming phone wouldn't be so bad, but I was wrong.

Again, I'm not content that I get money without having a job.  I feel the pressure put on myself by what I perceive others in society to believe.  I would like a little more money and have thought of taking some small very part time job, but I think I want to take small steps first.  I want to move out of my parents' home.  Then I would be able to put myself in a situation where I feel the need for a little extra cash.  Moving out on my own would have a lot of benefits and I have already began the process with HUD.

So how many people with AS do not work?  Is it because they cannot stand the work environments they have always been put in?  How much pressure does it put on others with this diagnosis?  Can they press on like I was unable to without falling apart?  Do they constantly have to worry about job performance?  How do some that do work, keep it all together?

What job would be right for me?  I have thought of working for myself, but I really don't have it in me to do that.

Disinterest In Talking To New People

I usually like to be by myself, but inside there is a longing to be with other people.  Unfortunately if they don't share my interests, then they don't interest me much.  And it's probably a bad generalization to say that everyone in my rural area thinks about cars, farms, country music, and drinking.  But that seems to be what this place is all about.  There are tons of garages and mechanics around.  There are people with special cars with their windows down blaring Toby Keith through their car stereos.  And just looking all around me there seems to be nothing but horses and cows and fences as far as I can see.  I'm miles from any big city and even the closest one is full of the same people and a country music station.  Now I do like a little country music, but when I was in HS I just went along with my parents on everything.  "Rock music is nothing, but noise, today," they'd say.  So country was my safe choice, but I've grown bored of it and I grew up and I got into my "I don't have to listen or believe everything they tell me," stage.  I have a mind of my own.

My influences were the very few or maybe just one or two people that knew about anime.  Other influences followed.  Instead of our backwoods cable company offering just CMT (Country Music Television), they added VH1, so I did get a little more music influence.  The internet came around and I started using that in the second half of 1996.  So, maybe music is the thing that I share a common interest in with many people around here, now, knowing that even around here music influence is almost just as varied as anywhere else.

Anyways being the loner I was, I spent my time online.  Later came cable internet and better PCs and so there were anime fansubs to download and watch.  Money was scarce and I finally bought a gaming system of my own and games.  My influences primarily came from online websites, online friends, and gaming sites.  This was what I found interesting to me.  Computers, the internet, anime, various music tastes, video games and various things people around here, I feel, know nothing about.

So how do I start a conversation with people?  Maybe interest in music, since that is by far the most varied interest I have.  My music playlists have country, oldies, pop, a tiny bit of rap, alternative, rock, violin, movie soundtracks, classical, j-pop, j-rock, some metal, a tiny bit of industrial, musicals, electronica, 80's...ok I think that sums it up as much as I can.  lol.  But beyond that I could start talking about anime.... "What's anime?"  "Is that them Japanese cartoon porn things?"  "Cartoons are for kids."  That about shows the attitude I'm afraid I'd run into.  PCs, well there are a few people that can work their way around and find the settings to fix just about anything and everything around here, but really most people at least just know how to work them and would rather start asking me questions like "My internet isn't working.  Can you help me?"  My son over in whatchamacalitville says I need a router or something to hook up my other things.  What's a router?"  "My computer's slow."  Well, ok, so I guess that's another place for me to start.  Maybe I can get to know people, because I can help them with computers.  But really, I can't be asked to solve everyone's problems.  I'm just one guy and on top of that, I've run into computer problems of my own, mostly on my parents' computer, that I haven't figured out yet.  Personally I just think my parents need a new PC as it's slower than molasses.

I don't know.  Maybe there's hope for me yet.  After writing all this I may have realized something.  Anime aside, there isn't anyone around here that wouldn't be interested in me.  Maybe I should go around saying "I like computers."  Or "I'm into all sorts of music."  Surely there's someone around here that'd appreciate me for those.  And video games?  I may be surprised at what I may find out about people and what they play.

But there is still this general uninterest about me, that I can't seem to get over.  If I happen to have a handheld device in my pocket or something, I'm more likely to play with that than talk to someone.  I'd rather be playing a game or watching an anime, than talk to someone new.  Somehow I just don't like to be bored and I like to stay in my general interest areas.  I need to start doing things to keep myself from getting bored or I need to stop worrying about how bored I am when doing something or talking to someone.

Do You Cry a Lot or Do You Try To Bottle It Up?

Do Aspies outwardly express their sorrow or bottle them up?  Not a question I can rightly answer about anyone else, but myself.  I think this is up to the individual.

Me, when I was in school, it was this thing that people would tell you that boys don't cry.  That is unless it's something outright awful.  Now girls as I was growing up, they were better to me about it, but not the guys.  When it happened to me, it would be in spurts.  I try to bottle things up and even though usually I lost my temper, I'd cry on rare occasions after having bottled it up for so long and it could be triggered by a movie.

I don't cry often even now.  I cry at funerals.  That's the biggest thing, but usually, even more so now, I' just let a few tear drops run from my eyes and get kind of bleary eyed, but I don't cry much.

Anime films like "Air" or anything else from the same studio, typically have emotional things tied to them and done real well.  I cried twice watching "Air."  It has a troubling ending, but it doesn't make me depressed or ill to watch over and over.  There was one anime that did that, though.  "Grave of the Fireflies."  I saw it twice and I just got rid of it.  I felt ill after watching it and real blah like.  It was a good movie and all, but I can't see myself watching it ever again.

Now that I think of it, it might be that Aspies are more prone to cry.  We seem to be targets in our early years.  I've witnessed and read enough online about it that it's more likely.  But I don't do it often.  I tend to try to emotionally detach myself, even though I'm not terribly good at it depending on the situation.  But yeah, when something sad happens that I'm not there to witness, even if I do have some connection, my emotional side tends to detach itself.