Relationships

How many of you are still single?  How does that make you feel.  Well first off I kind of like being single, but I kind of don't.  I mean I'm 35 and I've never been in a real relationship with someone.  Sometimes that does get me down, but not a lot.  Other than the times that I'm just okay with it, I'm longing for it, but not really upset that I'm not in one.

I have to say that I am a little ashamed, because when I fantasize about it, I may be a little unrealistic and I don't mean that I'm looking at all these beautiful women on websites with smiles and such or on my television screen.  No.  I mean Everything is perfect.  They're physically beautiful and everything.  I'm really fixated on looks, but they don't win me over unless they have the personality and mind and love that I need in someone.  I guess it's good that I won't stay just because they look good.  Now my idea of good looking is a little wider than what some people talk about online.  They can be a few extra pounds.  Maybe 225-230 lbs and still look good to me.  I'm really fixated on the face as far as looks.  Beautiful smile, eyes, and hair.  More or less the whole, above the shoulders look.  That's where my eyes point when I think someone looks cute.

I will be honest though.  I met a friend online from far away and we started off sending long messages.  We just clicked.  But being far away, it wasn't quite feasible.  I eventually saw a few pictures of her, but she wasn't all that as far as looks to be honest, but I still had feelings that went past that.  If we were to meet someday I would have still wanted her.  So, I'm not really hung up on looks too much, but I don't get past them on first sight.

I go to a group and people have tried telling me a few times, "Why not her?"  She's just a friend to me and she's a little too quirky for my taste.  To be honest, the very idea felt kind of icky to me, because it's like the feeling you have for a relative.  Would you want to get romantic with a relative?  Would you want to be romantic with someone you only saw as a friend and that's all there is to it?  No, it doesn't feel right and it doesn't feel comfortable.  You're repulsed by the idea, because you've already established your type of relationship with that person in your mind and that's where it ends.

So, here's a little problem I have.  I'm have a hard time meeting new people or talking to them unless they talk to me first.  It's kind of like walking into a dark room and not knowing what's there and you're too afraid to ask if anyone's there, if they're good or evil, and whether they want you there.  (Weird ghosty metaphor.)  So in a nutshell I'm too unsure of myself.  And what if this person is attractive?  That's a whole nother thing.  The fear spikes then, because you know about the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling.  I'd be unable to speak or ask them out.  At least that's the way it was when I was younger.  I don't get out much and when I see someone I don't think twice about what she'd be like.

When I was in High School, I'd see a lot of everyone, so if I saw or even knew someone attractive, then I have the whole "can't tell the person what I feel" or "ask them out" sort of thing.  Now that I'm not stuck in that kind of situation and everything is all opened up and everyone scattered, where the chances of me seeing the person again and where is totally unknown.  So I don't even think about a person I just saw at the gas station or whatever.  Maybe I'd be less intimidated, since I'm not in the situation of seeing the same people all the time in the same place.  Maybe I'm different now, too.  But there's no real way for me to test out the idea that I have less fear of women.  All I have is the fear of people in general, which is now a bit minor.

I can barely tell you something about online dating.  I can see a scam a mile away and I get very little feedback on these free profiles.  I have double checked my profile with other people who say it's a good profile and doesn't reflect some bad things about me.  I have had one hit, but the person was a psycho and that lasted a few days.

Right now all I can do is know that things are okay right now and I don't really need anyone.  I just have some strong desires sometimes and I'm still moving forward, even though it's slower than some other people.  Someday something will happen as I change.  It's a matter of time, advice, understanding, and action.  I will get there.