Some Aspie Things I Remember From My Elementary Years

I don't remember this first thing at all, but I do remember it being talked about and such.  Anyways, I was picked in High School about it as if to say I was stupid.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  You see what it was they were referring to was the fact that I "fail kindergarten."  Actually, I was held back.  That was the proper way to say it, since you can't actually fail kindergarten.  And from what I was told and how I understand it, it was from a lack of social skills and communication with other kids.  I really don't remember much of it, but I do recall (and I hate to admit it) I bullied one kid a little bit, because he smelled funny to me.  That was probably during the first year.  Another thing it may have been was some other learning issues that usually come with mild autism.  Of course the learning issues meant that I thought and learned differently than anyone else, not that I was mentally retarded or anything.  Actually I'm quite average and I do have my strengths.  I'll get into that in a bit

I did take special reading and special math during my time in elementary school.  Reading for me was hard and still is hard mostly because I had a hard time focusing.  I read slow and I need to be interested in what I'm reading to get out of it what I'm supposed to 100%.  I do like to read, otherwise the net wouldn't hold much for me, but more than that I like reading non-fiction about people I can relate to specifically people that have mild autism.  Also books that help me in other ways.  Again, they must hold my interest.  Now about special math, that helped me a great deal, because as I said, being an aspie means I learn differently.  So once I got those building blocks in math, once I got to High School, I did better at math than ...well a good part of the students there.  So many people today have a hard time doing head math or some more complicated algebra.  But that was where I excelled.  Most of the people I know would flunk if they tried even Pre-calc and I started one major in college that required calculus.  It was hard, but I the professor was there for me when I had trouble with it.  Honestly, as hard as it was I got a good grade in the class and passed it just fine.

I vaguely remember being bullied in school early, that is before HS, but I remember I was punched a couple times and wrestled to the ground at least one other time.  Did I try to fit in?  Of course.  That met with failure.  Really it's hard for me to come up with examples.  I do remember retaliating verbally to someone that hurt my feelings and of course in those early years, that's even less tolerated before HS.  So of course I was punished a lot.  I remember one incident where I grabbed someone's arm and shook it, because the person was talking crap to me.  She had milk in her hand and some of it got onto a teacher's shoes.  I'm sorry, but I felt resentful of the moment he made me clean his shoes, because I would have spit on him for making me do it instead of the person that I was trying to get back at.  I know revenge is never good, but in my mind, if you have it coming, then you better accept your punishment from me and take it like a man or woman or whatever.  Own up to your foolishness, I always say.

I know that it was wrong for me to act out in revenge and I still have anger issues.  Often times I'm still angry about these things.  I don't resort to physical violence and if I feel the need I'd just assume hit and object.  Something that's hard.  The harder it is, the better.

I resented a lot of the teachers for a long time after that.  Even now I don't like them much.  A lot of them, I would report something to them or I wouldn't do so well on an assignment and instead of resorting to helping me, it just seemed they talked down to me like I was slime.  That's no way to reinforce good study habits or failures in assignments.  That just makes someone more frustrated.  It's like "blah blah blah, are you going to attack me to death with your words or are you going to help me, so I can do better next time?"

Talk about frustration and I'm sorry, but I have to get this out, but it's been bugging me for years.  I had a teacher on my last day of school that insisted I had this one book in my possession, because I had signed it out.  Well I saw a copy of the book years down the road and thought, "Why in the hell, would I ever read that?"  So there's really no question I knew I never signed that book out, I knew I never had it, I knew I never read it or would ever read something about people living in the country side.  BLEGH!  I saw my signature on it as I remember.  Maybe I signed it for whatever reason and had a different book that I returned.  Whatever, maybe someone forged it to get me into trouble.  Anything is likely at that point, but there was one thing I knew for a fact.  I NEVER HAD THAT BLOODY BOOK!  *sighs*  It feels good to get that out there.  I rarely ever talked about the incident and when I did it was always my fault when it was talked about.  I never had the book.  I would never have read a book on the subject.  That's it period.  End of story, teach.  End of story.

Really, if only the teachers knew what I knew and if only everyone knew what I knew or thought back then, then maybe it'd be a different story, but oh no.  You just weren't a sophisticated school staff back then were you.  Not like today.  Supposedly and hopefully it had gotten better by today's standards.

Try To Get A Little Closer

As an aspie I've always had this problem that I needed to work on.  It has always been a problem for me, since I was a kid.  I cannot bring myself to be there for someone.  I have never been able to be a close friend.  Sure I can converse, though mostly online, but still offline.  But my problem is that friends don't just share what they like.  They don't just share their views.  They don't just share fun stuff and information.  Friends are supposed to be there when times are tough, when they're feeling down, or just generally in a small slump.

Now, if asked I can help a little bit, but I'm really really awful at being there emotionally.  I've shared my problems in group or even with my mother.  They help me when times are tough.  I can sort of accept the help, though sometimes it's uncomfortable at best.  Being an aspie, this is my biggest obstacle I can just take some of the emotional help, because it's so hard to deny it when someone offers.

So here's where the real problem comes in.  Again, real friends are there for each other emotionally and I keep myself away from others.  When I see someone hurt or whatever I feel VERY VERY uncomfortable.  Not only do I not like to see someone in pain, but I'm also afraid to reach out.  The little things aren't so bad, but even then I can't bring myself to reach out.  A friendship is give and take.  I find it so hard to give, not knowing what's appropriate.  The reading of social queues that say what's ok and what's not when reaching out to certain people.  Aspies have this hard time reading those queues and that's me all the way to my core.  I'm so uncertain and can't read what others want that I don't even try.

So this is where it's left me.  I need some help with this and I need other aspies or another aspie and even an NT to help me figure out this social minefield.  I feel like giving out to a friend is like crossing a minefield.  I don't know where the mines are, so I can only guess and err.  Or maybe it's not really a minefield at all and maybe it's just how we aspies perceive it.  Maybe it's not a minefield.  Maybe it's more like a field of hidden mousetraps and I'm barefoot.

Second Look at Sony Attack

So it's hackers, huh?  They get pissed off at a company and decide to hack it.  How many pissed off hackers get together and attack other sites?  I'm sure people got pissed at Microsoft many times.  What makes Sony's case so special?

Nothing.  So why is it that hackers have breached so heavily into Sony's network?  Why is this big news.  Is this attack really that sophisticated?  I mean more sophisticated than any other thwarted attempt on any other company?

Sony, you've got some explaining to do here.  If Sony's security really is just as good as any other company's then it should very well have been noticed and thwarted before anything happened.  I truly think Sony's at fault here, as much as the hackers are at fault for having the knowledge and stupidity, at the same time, to do this.

Sony's kissing our butts by giving us rewards as soon as the network is up and running again.  Honestly, I will take those rewards and use them wisely.  I will, however, not trust them with my debit card again.  I am removing it and using the cards you buy in stores.  Sony can't be trusted with my information.

The least Sony can do is stand up like respectable men and women and say they were sorry and that it was their fault that the attacks got through, because their security wasn't up to par.  Maybe then I will trust them.

I do see class action lawsuits happening later on and will be keeping eye on this.

Attack on Playstation Network

Ok, this is just disgusting and everyone knows it.  Why?  Because it's cliché and it's been taught to us over and over again.  Teachers have taught us not to do it.  Officers say not to take the law into your own hands.  Billions upon billions of TV shows, anime, movies, comics, the list goes on, teach us not to do this!

Here's the scenario.  Anonymous, angry with the way Sony has sued "Geohotz" because of the release of his playstation hack.  In response to this a hacker group has taken it upon themselves to hack the playstation network, causing millions of playstation fans in a fury or frustration.  It has been down since Wednesday pending investigation into the cause and what all damage has been done.  Unknown destruction of the network's state could range from lost information on what they purchased from the PSN, which could probably not allow them to play those games again or not be able to re-download them if the need ever arose all the way to the worry of credit card and other security risks.

This leads me to my first point.  Do not take the law into your own hands, "hackers!"  Let the law deal with it or make it a point to take something to a courtroom.  With this said I will further illustrate my point with a clichéd and tired a** story that has been told in many forms of media.

Man decides world is corrupt due to crime present in the streets, wars, violence, and hatred(hacker sees Sony as corrupt).

Man decides to accumulate super powers in hopes of creating a new world by using an attack that hurts everyone, including the innocent (hackers take their skills and attack psn, leaving innocent sony players, including themselves, without the ability to use the playstation network.)

Man is taken down by super heros and plunged into the darkness (hackers are found and put in jail, as in real life).

Our art reflects reality at this point.  And the point never seems to get across to any one!  How many clichéd plots do we need to make in order to get this point across?  Millions more?  Sorry Anonymous!  You lose!  Let the law handle it.  Enough said.  Peace!!!!

Aspergers/Anxiety and Moving

Ok, so I've lived in one house my whole life and last Thursday was my first day living alone in the house where my parents will be moving all of us into, so I've had to spend the night since then and take care of some of my things. I've had some anxiety only I didn't realize it was anxiety. I took my problems to a doctor a few weeks ago and we've finally figure out that consciously I'm ok, but subconsciously I was having a lot of anxiety over it. My chest hurts from time to time, my breathing is shallow at times and I did have a few dizzy spells. Again, though, I wasn't having any problems that I was currently dwelling on in the front of my mind. This makes me think that I can move on my own someday without trouble.

My Aspie Obsessions

I give a basic run down of all of my obsessions from video games to dvds to anime to gadgets.

283 dvds in my collection over the years. Horror, drama, action, anime, tv shows, etc.

Various video games from Mario to Assassin's Creed to Final Fantasy

Soul Eater (anime) - My Thoughts

I love Tsubaki! *heart*

Also about Maka and Crona