As an aspie I've always had this problem that I needed to work on. It has always been a problem for me, since I was a kid. I cannot bring myself to be there for someone. I have never been able to be a close friend. Sure I can converse, though mostly online, but still offline. But my problem is that friends don't just share what they like. They don't just share their views. They don't just share fun stuff and information. Friends are supposed to be there when times are tough, when they're feeling down, or just generally in a small slump.
Now, if asked I can help a little bit, but I'm really really awful at being there emotionally. I've shared my problems in group or even with my mother. They help me when times are tough. I can sort of accept the help, though sometimes it's uncomfortable at best. Being an aspie, this is my biggest obstacle I can just take some of the emotional help, because it's so hard to deny it when someone offers.
So here's where the real problem comes in. Again, real friends are there for each other emotionally and I keep myself away from others. When I see someone hurt or whatever I feel VERY VERY uncomfortable. Not only do I not like to see someone in pain, but I'm also afraid to reach out. The little things aren't so bad, but even then I can't bring myself to reach out. A friendship is give and take. I find it so hard to give, not knowing what's appropriate. The reading of social queues that say what's ok and what's not when reaching out to certain people. Aspies have this hard time reading those queues and that's me all the way to my core. I'm so uncertain and can't read what others want that I don't even try.
So this is where it's left me. I need some help with this and I need other aspies or another aspie and even an NT to help me figure out this social minefield. I feel like giving out to a friend is like crossing a minefield. I don't know where the mines are, so I can only guess and err. Or maybe it's not really a minefield at all and maybe it's just how we aspies perceive it. Maybe it's not a minefield. Maybe it's more like a field of hidden mousetraps and I'm barefoot.
I saw this on the GRASP website and figured I would respond here. I just started my own blog and have been getting into the habit of reading others blogs.
ReplyDeleteAs for the help, there were two things that I did that have had some success for me. The first was adopting two kitties. I always loved cats but did not think I could take care of them. Turned out I did alright as they lived with me for 12 years. Learning to deal with their emotional needs was really a first step on dealing with humans.
The other thing I did was program myself in how to respond to situations and sooth the anxiety that came up from just imagining the situation. For instances I would act as though a friend had a family member die; literally I would type out programmed responses and then act them as lines. When I started to get anxious I would stop and deal with it, starting over when I was calm. It certainly took the edge off when the real situations occurred.
It certainly was not a cure all but it helped me develop some excellent friendships and eventually find a spouse. She thankfully is tolerant of my Aspieness (well more tolerant than others).
Good luck my friend.