Because I Care!

This is a little more for non-aspies than it is for you aspies out there, but please read and pass this along to anyone that is NT, such as your friends and family who don't understand autism.  Another note is that I may actually get a little angry in this post or rather post about times where I was angry.

Anyways, for the longest I can remember I've always hated confrontation.  I hated it with a passion.  I can't deal with it even now.  When more than one person in my vicinity, even if I swear to God that I hate their guts, if I hear people getting real loud and riled up about something.  I either bottle it up and let loose later or I try to bottle it up, but then explode when it gets to be too much.  In High School, I was called psycho for my emotional outburst or rage attacks, usually that's because I was being picked on, but that's another story all together.  There were times when I would defend a friend or even if the two weren't even close to me I'd just blatantly shout "SHUT THE F*** UP!"  I've been known to do this defending a friend who was picked on to which a bully would say it's none of my business and to this day I want to say "Like he** it ain't!  This is my friend!  Show some f***ing respect!"

I've wanted to hit a bully and there were a couple instances where I have.  I care that they be right.  And now I wish I could tell them that I wanted to hit them, because I cared a great deal about them.  They may think I hate them.  I may even think I hate my enemies.  But I've wanted to hit them and show them and scream at them about how wrong they were simply because I actually give a crap about them.  I actually have the shred of decency to love them.  I don't care what others think just for me, but for their own sake.  It's not just because I felt weak against their hate (admittedly that was some of it).  It's because I cared enough to teach them what I truly believed.

So, yeah, I can not handle people being mean.  I can't handle people fighting, even if both of them are wrong. I can't stand it!  Right now, we have a male cat in the house that hasn't been fixed yet and he's a big bully.  I hear him attacking mainly a certain one and that one that he goes after is the most vocal of all.  You hear "REOW" and a hiss or two and some tumbling and that throws my anxiety all helter skelter.  I just want to pop some Xanax pills and just mellow, but I'm more likely to forget my pills, so don't worry.  I'm not the type to get addicted.  I'm just saying that's how I feel.

I could make a list of what upsets me, but there is one other thing that gets me that shows how much I actually care about people in general.  I hate haters.  I hate hypocrites.  And I hate backwards thinkers.  These people are trying to pull back progress that our world is making towards tolerance and love.  We are becoming a more well balanced society by being more understanding or accepting of people.  Just think, a long time ago it would have been unimaginable to have a black president.  We are allowing gays to get married.  The list goes on.  And even though it's inevitable that this change continues and that love will be bigger someday, there are still those monsters that want them all to die or to change, when you know darn well they can't.

So when someone asks me "Why do you care?" to my face when I get into a rage attack from all the stimulation confrontations cause even though I'm not even a part of it, I can only tell them it's because I love every cell in everyone's insignificant little bodies.  Yes, I care!  I either don't show it or I have a funny way of doing it, but I care very much.  Yes, I keep to myself.  Yes I like to spend time alone more than be with people.  I love "people time."  Even an aspergian like me needs time with people.  But I actually care a lot more than what I am comfortable showing.  It's a messy feeling.

Aspies aren't very comfortable showing affection necessarily and, like me, many are not comfortable to say that they care or show it.  It's all an over stimulation thing, but we care.  We care a great deal and this story only proves it and if not to you, but to me it certainly does.