Empathy Communication

Sorry that it's been a long time since I lost wrote in my blog.  My mind is a little cloudy and has been due to a sleeping disorder I have.

Anyways, there is a classic aspie symptom that I am currently working on.  I have a hard time communicating to people how I feel about them.  I have bottled up emotions about people for a long time.  More or less for as long as I can remember.  The thing is that it hadn't been seen to me as an obstacle till recently.  I guess I wasn't aware of just how bad it was.  So if someone I know, especially someone in my physical vicinity, not necessarily online, I can't communicate how I feel about them.

For instance, if someone is in a room, empty or not, and they are quietly weeping, I tend to take a few minutes before I can read that emotion.  Mostly, I think I'm kind of aware, but I just don't want to be wrong, I think.  So far I've been able to ask people if something is wrong, if I'm the only one in the room at the time.  I can't really bring myself to express concern.  This is how it feels to me.  Someone feels bad clearly and I start to feel bad and my throat tightens up like I'm about to lose it.  Other times, I just generally feel uncomfortable, but not necessarily sad, so to speak.  I then close myself off emotionally and verbally and then keep to myself.

So, why is this happening.  One theory I have is that in school, I had moments where I had emotional outbursts and cried at a sad movie that may have been shown in school.  Or I may have been rejected by some girl I had something for.  This didn't happen all the time, but it did happen.  And so the guys of the classes would like look down on me or come down on me as if there was no reason for me to do so.  You know like "Real men don't cry."  That sort of thing.

Although this is part of it, I do see, if I go back to that time, that I did bottle emotions even then.  But they'd just come out in large bursts, sometimes in anger (never minding some of the times I showed anger when I was bullied.).

So what is it exactly that is the problem?  Well, all I can figure right now is that it's just like the many sensitivities that some aspies have already.  Textures, certain colors, touch (one of my personal mild sensativities), tastes, crowds, lights, etc.  I would like to address, as well, that I have a touch sensitivity, but it's mild.  I'm not a hugger, as much as I'd like to be.  There are some people I'd rather not hug anyway, but that's a boundary with me or many other non-aspie people, too.  I have made exceptions to the rule in the past and like I said, it is mild.  I remember someone in college that hadn't seen me in a while before I came back and she reached out and I obliged.  But I felt comfortable with her.  She had this glowing personality, though I was also sort of intimidated by her beauty.  I guess back then, even when there was a time when she wasn't currently seeing someone, I was only able to see her as a friend, possibly due to the fact that I thought she looked to beautiful for me.  Maybe I didn't want to be forced into the friend zone.  Honestly, I may not really have had a thing for her anyway and was just content where I was with her.

Back on track, I am currently working with my therapist on this.  She's suggesting I tell someone how I felt one day when they were feeling bad.  On top of that she also wants me to invite a friend over to where I live.  I listed off 3 people in my life that I'd like to have closer friendships with.  I am not doing so well at that.  I haven't done this yet and this was assigned to me a few weeks ago and my next appointment is near the end of this month.  I had thought I was going to see her every week or every other week.  So, I should probably get on this.

On another note, I think by showing I care when someone is hurting (women in particular) I also don't want to give anyone the wrong idea either.  I am sort of afraid to find out how I came off or do or say something wrong.  I don't want the messages to get mixed up.